My apologies to anyone reading this pathetic excuse for a blog today. I can't figure out how to make just one entry nonpublic, and the last time I shut it down things did not fare well for me so... Sorry. I'm not very good at faking things anymore anyway though. So... this is me!
I'm not really sure what happened. It's like I'm heeeeerrre... *listens*... and then nothing but an echo. Honestly I don't even know if I've ever felt this way before. Actually that's not true. I remember the last time I felt this way and that makes me mad because I have felt like I've come so far from a year and a half ago til now. It doesn't seem fair. I remember being nervous about going to hub group for the first time and hating to be honest but divulging the state of my heart (not good). At the time I guess I really had nothing to lose.
Last night I felt the same way going to hub group. Nervous. And my old favorite, afraid of being "found out." I haven't felt that way in a long time. It sucks. The thing is I just don't really know what to do now. I can't remember what I did then. I can go through the motions I guess. Read my Bible, pray... gosh I can't even remember what the other thing is... I just don't really WANT to. Where did this apathy come from??? I've always had a hard time understanding how people can be this way... but now I'm having a hard time thinking of how to snap out of it...
Stuff that breaks my heart
6 years ago
Thanks for being honest on the blog. I told Liz before Hub Group last night that last night was the first time I wanted to not have Hub Group. Maybe, well, I don't really think it's a maybe, I think it's a real thing, but I've felt under attack spiritually. Maybe I shouldn't have talked a bit about spiritual warfare yesterday. I pray that God will help you snap out of it as you seek him and open yourself up to others... and thanks for coming to group last night, and for talking/sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you. One of my biggest fears (in some of my more irrational moments) is losing the family I've found with Hub City because you'll all see what an idiot I am. I'm sorry you're being attacked. Sometimes that's a good thing (I will not say a "blessing in disguise"). I punched the time card today. I know it's not ideal, but I have to do it even if I'm not feeling it. That's just where I am right now for some reason. I was totally hating your teaching yesterday. It really cut to my heart. But I needed to hear it.
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