My Song

Exodus 15 ²The Lord is my Strength and my Song, and He has become my Salvation; this is my God, and I will praise Him, my father's God, and I will exalt Him.


It's going to be another wandering post... it cannot be helped.  All I can say is that nobody is holding a gun to your head to read it, so don't blame me for wasted time.


I have always been a "sensing" type person.  In fact, ever since I was young, God has always been with me in very tangible ways.  (And before you continue reading, I'm just warning you... some of you, reading this, will now be able to say... Yes, I always thought there was something a little "off" with her, but now I know for sure...  I'm just being honest.)  Like there was the time when I was 16 and performed this song "Cry of My Heart" at a youth retreat... I have always had extremely bad stage fright, but while I was playing, the audience went black and there was one light in the center of the blackness... I played/sang that whole song directly to God.  I think that was my first sort of "mystical" (unexplainable or supernatural) experience with Him.  There's also this thing that happens sometimes... It's usually just before something I need to hear... Where I smell this really strong smell of myrrh (I know it's myrhh, because after smelling it repeatedly, I smelled a ton of different oils until I could identify the fragrance)... and when I breathe, I can feel the air, oily, going into my nose and down my throat... Then, and this is the really strange thing... I prayed for years for a language for prayer to God... and this was way before I ever had any exposure to the "charismatic" church, but was basically just curious based on what I had read in the Bible... but anyway, when I finally received this language, it was only in song.  It is infrequent, but when it happens, I can't speak it, I can only sing it...


Music has always been prayer with me.  I have always loved singing, and wrote songs to God as prayers even as a child.  Then when I was 14, I learned how to play guitar.  And it is amazing how between words, the guitar just fills up the spaces, almost like that prayer language does, and the music becomes this full expression of myself before God... just who I am... a prayer.  And when I'm praying like that, I really feel like God can say anything to me in that moment, even without words, and I just know Him... He's just with me.  And crap I know that sounds cheesy, but I don't even care.  


So right now, I'm going through this just really painfully dry spell.  When I try to pray, I feel like I'm just speaking into the air... And the Bible, which usually talks directly to my heart... is just words...  And probably the worst of it is that when I try to play my guitar... I don't know... It's like I can't let myself feel anything...  It feels like all that was so tangible to me just maybe a couple months ago, is just gone... I don't like it.  I like sensing God.  But is that faith then?  I don't know, maybe not.  Maybe I've taken all those "signs" of his presence for granted.  Maybe he wants to know if I'll be faithful without all the evidence of him.  I want him so bad.  And I know that he deserves my praise even though I can't see him right now.  So I'm going to give it to him despite how I'm feeling.  The only thing that's changed is me.