I am. I don't understand everything, and I am majorly confused about some things, and I sometimes feel like I am groping around in the dark for truth and contentment and justice.
I am struggling in particular with something I will refer to as "women's roles." You have to know, that phrase elicits an actual physical response in me. I can feel my heart rate increase at the mention of certain key Bible verses even... My stomach turns. I sweat. I'm seriously not kidding folks. I can't argue with the fundamentalists... I don't really know precisely where I stand. I don't really know what I'm doing.
I would venture to guess I'm not the only one with negative responses toward this issue. However I think I may be coming at it from the exact opposite position of most. And I wonder if it would be easier if I were on the "other side."
I think alot of women have trouble with the "submission" issue. I can understand that. But I'm not having trouble with that. I am at a point where I need to let God help me figure out how to have "God-confidence," to be a strong and courageous woman of God... WHILE maintaining a submissive spirit and being "courteously reverent." The task seems insurmountable at the moment. I honestly cannot begin to see in my mind's eye how this can play out. I have no desire to reject the word of God on the matter... I want to one day be able to teach the younger women how to be reverent toward their husbands and honor God... But I also want to be who I was created to be in Christ... and while I know God doesn't contradict himself, so the two must be able to coexist peacefully... My puny brain is having a hard time wrapping itself around the idea.
Anybody seen Men In Black? lol. You know that mind-eraser thing... It flashes and suddenly you have no memory of what just happened. Anybody have one of those laying around? It is sooooo hard to divorce your personal "religious" experiences from the actual Word of God! I wish I could forget what I've been taught and learn from The Teacher instead. I know he has my best interest and ultimately His glory in mind. I don't want to screw up his image anymore by living my crappy interpretation of his plan.
I'm so thankful for grace.
That's all I've got really.
I can be wrong about everything. I may be. But I know that I'm right about who's digging me out of all this. I know I'm right in trusting Him. I know He loves ME because He cares for me NOW, as I am, not when I'm perfect. That's such a huge gift. A miracle really. I am so happy to be part of His plan. Even though I don't know exactly where I am and I can't see exactly where I'm going, I trust Him. He has His hand on my life and I'm growing and learning and there's no better place to be than wherever I am, with Him.
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