Feeling the Pull

Maybe it's the weather.  Waking up with my nose cold, my blankets up around my neck.  Smelling the crisp fall air when I take the kids to school.  I know the last couple days I have detected the faint scent of wood fire leftover from the night before.  And I've been listening to this music, this wonder-full music that just grabs my heart and squeezes a little too tightly... sinks into my soul and gives words and melody to this ache, this longing.  I don't know... I feel restless.  And I've been hearing God's whisper in the morning, thoughts that are clearly His and not mine, but knowing they can be if I grab hold of what He's saying and just do something...

I remember when I was young-- 17 or 18-- just finished with high school and starting college.  The world was so big.  And just full of things I hadn't done or experienced yet.  I had this friend, Shannon.  Neither of us were "girly girls."  I don't know if that means anything to anyone.  It wasn't that we weren't feminine...  We both wanted to grow up and get married and be mamas and sing lullabies and bake bread.  But we didn't care what our hair looked like and we didn't paint our nails and we didn't go tanning or wear bracelets.  We both appreciated a good adventure.  And we both loved God.  We didn't know each other well and we never really talked a lot, in fact, I'm not even sure how we met in the first place.  But every year when the air would get this autumny smell, we'd get in touch.  We experienced the same restlessness.  The same "pull."  Now it wasn't wise.  We were very naive.  Unexperienced.  But we both enjoyed nature.  And we really enjoyed being close to God's creation, feeling His breath on us.

So we would go rock climbing together.  Without any gear.  Yeah it was stupid.  But I remember the feeling of adventure as we set out to see how high we could climb, our knees banged up, scratches and scrapes on our arms.  I remember one time she got stuck in this crevice, and I had to climb up under her and guide her feet.  We were insane.  But it was so much fun.  And I was so trusting.  And I knew God was there.

After awhile, I met the man who would be my husband, and our crazy adventures came to an end.  And it's funny.  I spoke with her as an adult one time, and she was a stranger.  There were troubles in our lives and we had different thoughts about God.  But the thing was, that stuff never mattered back then.  We were both just feeling the pull and going with it, living life and trusting God and each other.

I've had some adventures since then.  I think marriage has definitely been one of them.  It's been scary and thrilling and exhilarating.  Having babies that grow into children has been another one for sure.  And   the bad things, the fearful things that happen to us as adults to erase that trust and sense of awe and wonder we had when we were younger... resisting that and learning to hear that whisper again has been by far the best and most frightening adventure.

So I'm feeling it again.  The pull.  And it feels good.  Don't worry, I won't be doing any rock climbing anytime soon.  But I feel ready for an adventure.