On being stupid, but at peace.

Have you ever heard the phrase "kill you with kindness"?  The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English defines the phrase this way:  to be too kind to someone, in a way that actually harms them.


Now I wouldn't say that reading the book of Romans is actually harming me... But it has been painful without a doubt.  It's not that I haven't read it before or anything... I've probably read it dozens of times over the years, but it's been longer than a year I think, and a lot has changed in a year.  I'm not sure if I've ever read Romans for more than theology... rules... which is hilarious if you actually read it, because the point is that God gave us this gift... this free gift of being set right in relationship with Him and being able to be part of what He's doing... and that there's no reason for us to think that all our striving and worrying and control could possibly free us up like that!  So to read Romans, looking for rules... is well... it's pretty stupid.  


So I read chapters 1-4 yesterday... after skipping out on my quiet time 6 DAYS IN A ROW, no less.  And I almost couldn't finish reading it.  I mean, I recently read a lot out of the gospels, you know where Jesus was actually tortured and killed for my sins... and of course that touched me, affected me... But I don't know... I guess it's that Romans really takes that and then explains what exactly was accomplished through that... how things are different now... I guess more of God's heart behind the whole story.  And it just really got to me.  


Here's one passage that I had to stop at...
Romans 3:28
What we've learned is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We've finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.

Gosh, I don't know how that one little verse can just set my head spinning like it does... I mean, seriously... I believe that... But I do not understand it.  I don't.  It's like on the one point, you have this unbelievably good, loving, tender, faithful, doting even... Father... who has given us such a gift... taken all the unrest out of life for us... for free.  But then at the same time, you have this... I don't know... mysterious, big, amazing, awe-inspiring, frightening even... Creator of the Universe.  I don't get it!

What's really super funny to me though, is that I actually feel this weird peace about not getting it.  I guess I've probably felt this way for awhile now... but I didn't realize it until I read these crazy words in Romans.

I ask "why?" a lot.  I do.  I actually ask lots of questions... not just "why?"  It drives me crazy when my kids do it, but I can't seem to help myself.  I just want to know!  I can't stand when something doesn't make sense to me... or worse, if someone is holding out on me (thereby knowing something I don't)--- drives me nuts!  I actually wrote in my journal yesterday "WHY???" in super huge print.  It doesn't make sense that He would do something like this for someone like me... who can just walk around ignoring Him for days on end, and then come crawling back like a blubbering idiot when I realize what I should have always known about Him... what He shows me of Himself every day?  I mean, what a doofus... seriously.

But I really think it's like when a friend gives you a present for no particular reason.  It's not your birthday.  It's not Christmas.  They don't owe you anything.  You're not getting the present because you did anything spectacular.  And you ask "Why?" (or at least I do!) And there's no answer... I think really the answer is that they just are who they are.  They're giving you the gift not because of what you've done or who you are... Their generosity comes out of who they are.

I really think that's what I got from reading these 4 chapters from Romans... There is no answer to the "Why?"  Well there is, but it's not satisfying in the way that it would be if the answer was because we are just wonderful people and we did something great to deserve this fabulous gift... There is this dependence... this trust... that comes out of knowing that this unfathomable gift was actually free... and the reason is just that the giver is who He is.  That is where the rest (peace) comes from.