Maybe it was brave...

So I went to the doctor yesterday, Allen and Clayton in tow.  It went really really really well.  I successfully played dumb and just casually and unemotionally listed the symptoms I am dealing with.  Allen confirmed and gave detail.  We laughed, we joked, we made small talk.  We were at the mercy of the extreme and almost god-like knowledge of the medical profession... (ok, not really, but we pretended to be... and I think we did a good job at it).

The doctor thinks he knows what is wrong with me.  Really strange.  In fact, he wrote the name of it down on a little prescription pad thing and handed it to Allen (I told him I didn't want it) and told him to look it up on webmd.com... Isn't that weird?  It's called Myasthenia Gravis.  From what Allen and my mom read about it, it's an autoimmune disease that attacks some kind of receptor thing in the muscles?  So as Allen explained, it's like there are too many phone calls and not enough answering machines... So signals are going from the brain to the muscles and the muscles aren't getting the message...  He is doing something to check if I have a tumor(s) in my thymus gland.  Apparently this is something that can go along with Myasthenia Gravis and could perhaps explain why I've been having sore, swollen throat and coughing in the evening.  There are lots of other things, but I'm kinda tuning them out for right now.  If I actually get a diagnosis, then I'll do some looking into it.  I should hear back about some blood work he ordered in a few days, and I go to see the neurologist in mid-April.  I'm a little sad that he didn't prescribe something for the pain that I'm having, so if anybody reading this wants to pray that this "episode" will end that would be fabulous.

Oh and he's checking for some other things too... all of which I'm not sure, but I know he said Lyme disease (I grew up in OH) and Epstein Barre virus.

Should be interesting.  I actually feel very positive about this round.  I have been dealing with this for about 3 years or so.  Round one proved I was not having strokes or seizures and probably not MS or Meneire's disease (an inner ear disease), and Round 2 confirmed no MS, but brought up the possibility that I was having "silent" Hemiplegic migraines and even the question of Fibromyalgia... Now here we are, nearly 2 years from my last Dr appt, and I guess some of the symptoms that I am having are starting to point to an actual diagnosis.  Oh how I would love to just know.  To be able to say with confidence--- See!  I knew I wasn't nuts!-- See!  I would never make all this crap up... That has been the hardest thing for me through this... worse than the pain or any of the other symptoms... is feeling sometimes like those closest to me don't believe me or think I'm crazy.  I hate that it has to be a doctor that convinces them, but if that's what it takes, so be it.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I almost can't imagine having a name for this thing, an explanation for people and a way of coping.  I can't help but feel hopeful.

Doctor, Doctor...

I can't decide if I'm being brave or stupid, but I'm going to the doctor today.  And I'm taking Allen with me.  I'm thinking maybe I'll let him do most of the talking.

Ok. So I don't know EVERYTHING...

Yeah I realize that statement may come as a surprise to some of you (probably only that I said it, not that's it's true!) lol.  Anyway, I've been thinking about something.  I am considering visiting a doctor.  *GASP*  I've just had another "episode," probably as a result of this silly head cold that just won't go away and leave me alone.  The biggest in probably a year, and the first time I've had any real pain (aside from migraine, gallbladder or joint pain) since I first got sick about 3 years ago.  And it's a little scary to not know what's going on with your body.  I can't go back to our family doctor.  If I tell him something hurts, he hands me Ativan.  If I tell him I can't feel the left side of my body, he hands me Ativan.  If I tell him he sucks and is a total jerk... just kidding...  Anyway, Oh the joy of being a woman with a (yes I admit it) high-strung personality.  I don't need medicine for that though, so I need to find a new doctor.  SO.  Pray that I make a wise decision.  That I find a competent and at least somewhat compassionate doctor.  That it will be a doctor who can admit to not knowing, if necessary, instead of throwing psychotropic drugs at me.  And that he/she will have the right resources/knowledge to at least point me in the right direction.

For MY mind???

You've heard that phrase before right?  "The battle for your mind."  It has me thinking.


I'm reading this book Love and War by the Eldredges.  I didn't like it at all at first.  And then I got to the chapter where John says he hates Valentine's Day, so I started to sort of like him, but I still was feeling very annoyed by his wife, who I envision probably enjoys going to Mary Kay parties and getting her nails done.  Now, about 2/3 of the way through, I'm kind of resigned.  Like, Oh fine.  Just teach me.  Dammit.


The book is actually about marriage.  Which I hate, because I am strangely drawn to books that tell you how to have a happy /life, child, religion, kitchen, marriage, etc/  I am a sucker for a formula so I generally try to avoid them like the plague.  What I'm reading though doesn't actually have a lot to do with my marriage.  I mean it does... but only sort of as a side effect.  


I'm actually kind of surprised at some of the things I've been believing.  Some of the patterns of thinking I've let myself get into.  Not exactly sure how that all happens, but I can see how damaging it is, and I'm sort of sick of it.  It's pretty exhausting to be run by your emotions, lots of them planted there by the enemy, especially when who you really are longs to listen to God.  I'm totally feeling Paul's whole confusing monologue-- you know-- the I do that which I do not want to do and do not do that which I want... or something like that...  I want to just push aside all the crap and look at God.  It seems so difficult, but so simple if I could just side-step the distractions.  It's really like you just can't afford to get lazy even for a minute or pretty soon all the lies are such a huge shit pile that you don't even know where to begin.


Anyway.  Good book so far.  Sort of painful, in a cleansing kind of way.  But good.  I think I would recommend it.

Pray and Forgive/Trust and Love

I was reading in Mark today.  The story of the cursed fig tree... which a lot of things about that story really bug me.  But anyway... A couple things that Jesus said really made me think.

In verses 22-25, He said:
"Embrace this God-life. Really embrace it, and nothing will be too much for you. This mountain, for instance: Just say, 'Go jump in the lake'—no shuffling or shilly-shallying—and it's as good as done. That's why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you'll get God's everything. And when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it's not all asking. If you have anything against someone, forgive—only then will your heavenly Father be inclined to also wipe your slate clean of sins."


I can't say about myself that I never doubt, or even that I am trusting or confident.  I'd like to be, but I'm not.  But I'm really hearing in this the importance of going ahead and talking with God about everything anyway.  I think I'm at the point where I would welcome God surprising me... not that it should surprise me when God does something great... just that it would be surprising (to me) if He did something great in answer to *my* prayer.


Also the importance of forgiveness.  A few days ago we had a little altercation with our oldest daughter.  An incident in which she had really sinned against her daddy.  It was really something moving to see how their relationship was restored after she admitted what she had done and accepted discipline.  It is my desire to be so open and clear with God and in all the relationships in my life.  There's a lot of freedom and intimacy in that.  


And not only in asking for forgiveness.   Yes, it's difficult to say you're sorry and ask for forgiveness.  But we can be kind of selfish in that, because we know that we'll feel better afterward.  It's a relief to clear the air.  But forgiving others... I think the key is loving the offender.  If you really love them, you can want them to have that free, clear feeling.  It's important to you that the relationship be restored and that the other person be built back up.  It becomes worth giving up those feelings of justice and retribution you get when you know you've been wronged.


So my prayer:  God teach me how to trust.  And teach me how to really love.  So that you can be glorified and others can receive the grace you've shown me.  Amen.


e.t.a.  There are some people out there who I have done wrong.  Who we (Allen and I) have done wrong.  We've asked for forgiveness (maybe that request was not shared with everyone), and you wouldn't give it.  I just want to let you know on the off chance that you're actually reading this silly blog of mine, that that's ok.  I truly am sorry.  I know we hurt a lot of people.  And we were hurt badly as well.  But I'm letting it go, and I hope you are too.  I loved you guys more than you can know and I wish things had turned out differently.  I hope you're all well and experiencing God's huge grace every day.

Leaving and Camping

So I'm reading in Numbers (yes STILL).  And Numbers is really probably the very last place I would think that anything of any significance would jump out at me.  


But I was reading there today and it was all about leaving and camping... leaving and camping... leaving and camping... Everybody left their homes and camped.  I am an excellent storyteller, I know.  So then after all this leaving and camping, all of a sudden (and maybe it wasn't all of a sudden; it could have been 100 years, it certainly felt that way reading it) God gives them a place to settle, to call home.  And guess what.  It wasn't Utopia.  It wasn't like The Garden of Eden 2.  He gave them this land filled w/idols that they were responsible for destroying and sinners they had to drive out.  Then (to add to the blessing?) He told them if they didn't get rid of all that crap, that He would treat them the same way He had planned on treating the current inhabitants...


Now I don't remember what happens next.  I don't know why I'm not just going back over Numbers all the time *place in which sarcasm font would come in handy,* so maybe I'll change my mind.  But I just think it's interesting.  Interesting that God would lead them from their own homes, uproot them and drag them all over hell and half of Egypt to give them yet another struggle and a decision that could cost them everything.  I wonder if he was purifying them.  Like all those other stories about melting down gold or whatever, or pruning the vines or burning the chaff.  I just wonder.  I feel like that sometimes.  And sometimes I think sheesh, maybe I prefer camping.  I mean ticks and poison ivy are nuisances yes, but idols and enemies???  Are you serious???


And here ends my pointless post for the day.  Sorry.  I don't have anything else.  I did think it was interesting though, and for Numbers, that's sayin' something!  : )

Amazed.

Luke 5:26 Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, "We have seen remarkable things today."


I know the story is about a paralytic being healed.  But I got to be present for a birth today.  And that's how I feel.  I don't think there is anything more amazing and awe-inspiring than seeing a baby be born.  Nowhere else is GOD and what matters to him so tangible.