Reflections on Fasting.

*heavy sigh*

Not even really sure where to begin.  Day 21, the final day of the Daniel Fast is tomorrow and I have been reflecting on this whole experience this year... I am disappointed... discouraged... but put in my place and amazed at the same time I guess... I've discovered some things about myself that are not nice, but I'm hopeful that maybe by next year's fast, my heart will be in a little better place.  I realize that while not *easy*, my strong will lets me do stuff like this and stick to it, despite how I feel or what obstacles come... HOWEVER it is also my strong will that enables me to keep God at arms-length... to do things my way even when I know what I need is to do it His way... to be one person on the outside and another on the inside at times... I totally sucked at this fast.  I did "great" as far as following the "rules."  But I just for some reason did not really connect with God during this whole time... or at least like the last week and a half or so.  In fact, maybe it was my rigid adherence to the fast that even may have kept me disconnected somewhat.  My focus was more on what I'm NOT supposed to do than on replacing my need for satisfying food with more of GOD.  That's where my disappointment comes in.  I feel like I've just wasted 3 weeks of potential heightened intimacy with my Father.  But I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  I'm going to change.  *heavy sigh* (yes, again)  I have gotten into sort of an uncomfortable comfortableness lately that's going to have to go.  And these are the things that are way harder to make my will conform to than simple do's and don'ts.  Those are so easy in the scheme of things.  I need to get back to the task of being a child.  Eyes open.  Willing.  Amazed.  It's so easy to let those things slip and so terrifying to be standing on the other side of that chasm knowing that it was me who put me there and that I'm completely powerless to restore myself.

The one really wonder-full thing I learned from this fast:

The amazing things that God does... the answers to prayer, the impossibilities, the miracles even...  He does them solely because of who He is.  How good I am or how totally crappy I am cannot change who He is and how He works.  I'm really grateful for that.

Romans 12:3
I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.