So Beautiful

I have been told, by a very wise woman and dear friend, that it's ok to change my mind.  That's pretty nifty if you ask me, yet another act of Grace. 

I'm reading this book by Leonard Sweet entitled So Beautiful: Divine Design for Life and the Church.  It is life-changing.  It is full of stuff that rings true in my Spirit, but never experienced, at least not until recently.  I've been reading about the relational aspect of Christianity and that is what has really challenged and encouraged me to change my mind about a relationship in my life... to choose to love sacrificially and vulnerably, mindful of how people and Jesus have loved me in all the messiness that is my life.

Here are some quotes that have really hit me hard the last couple of days:

Relationships don't come to us like Christmas packages, all neatly wrapped with ribbons and bows.  Relationships come more to us like an abused package from the post office: ripped, torn, its guts spilling out, the contents often broken. (pg 138)

Being right--having the best arguments, compiling the most evidence, even living in exemplary consistency with one's beliefs--does not always make a person right. (pg 137)

...my friend James Davis came up with a saying:  "A faith that hasn't been tested is a faith that can't be trusted."  Grace under pressure is a test of leadership. (pg 133)

The turning point in every person's life is what answer we give to Jesus' question ["Who do you say that I am?"]. (pg 127)

Jesus is the Truth... not just the truth about God, but more accurately the truth of what it means to be fully human. (pg 120)

True freedom brings others into the light and makes them free.  True freedom is the fitness to feel responsible for other people's captivity and inaction. (pg 114)

I'll be blogging more about this book in the coming days as I finish it up...  but WoW.  This is a book that cuts straight to the heart.  I am amazed with Sweet's sensitivity and encouragement... but also with his boldness and the power behind his exhortation.  So Beautiful is definitely blowing some of my old favorites out of the water with it's full picture of the heart of God/ lived out through The Church... 

Wash/Be Washed or Die.

I've mentioned before that I am doing a study by Beth Moore, entitled A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place:  An In-depth Study of the Old Testament Tabernacle.  I am finishing up week 4 of 10, and while I still cannot decide with certainty if I really like the style of the study, I am learning a lot and I really enjoy that I am reading all over the Bible and that I have a guide for what to do each day.  It's been nice.  If anyone has any suggestions for other authors who do this kind of daily study (something that would take between 30-60 minutes each day), I would love to explore a bit.

So today some things caught my attention.  A while back, while preparing for Passover, I read about how Jesus washed the feet of the disciples.  I always kinda understood that as a demonstration of servanthood... and it is for sure.  But it seems like there's a bit more to it than that that the Jewish people would have understood.  

Today I read in Exodus about the washbasin used between the Tent of Meeting and the Altar.  It was made from the polished brass/bronze mirrors (1 Cor. 11:28) the women workers had donated as a freewill offering for the building of the Tabernacle and was for Aaron and his sons to wash their hands and feet in.  The verse (Exodus 30:19-20) reads:  Aaron and his sons will wash their hands and feet there.  They must wash with water whenever they go into the Tabernacle to appear before the Lord and when they approach the altar to burn up their special gifts to the Lord-- or they will die!

If you read in John 13, you find the story of Jesus telling the disciples that in order to be part of what he's doing, they need to let him wash their feet, and then go and do likewise.  AND that it will be clear what he's doing later on.  Later we read about the blood and the water coming out of his side as he dies on the cross...  which coincides with the blood from the altar and the water from the washbasin...  An interesting sidenote is that with his last breath, he says "It is finished," which according to Hebrew writings is what the priests would call out to the people when a sacrifice was made.  

Gosh, I really feel like I can't go all the way into this or I would be penning a book... There is so much God's word has to say about washing, being clean, letting Jesus make us holy, etc.  Perhaps I shouldn't have started this without being able to finish it neatly...

I guess the biggest thing I got out of my reading today is the need for us to ALLOW Jesus to wash our feet, make us pure, to get under that cleansing stream of blood and water that was offered freely.  We didn't have to put our hands on the lambs head as in the O.T. sacrifices... God did that for us and took our guilt on himself.

AND that we need to wash each other's feet, because that's what he did for us.  I have a vague idea of what that looks like.  I think maybe I'll look at this a bit more in depth in time.  Jesus washed the disciples feet, something they normally would have done for themselves as an act of servanthood... However on a much deeper level, he was offering himself as a sacrifice, that they didn't have to offer sacrifices for themselves anymore...  Can we do that for each other?  I think we can.  I think we can wash each other with The Word...  We can sacrifice ourselves to really love someone...  

I love that God's Word is so simple... and yet a mystery.  It keeps me humble, and keeps me hungry.  

P.S.  Something else that just occurred to me... there is a flow of water and blood associated with birth.  Just a thought, something to ponder...

Wasn't God bored???

I had an interesting "conversation" with Cassidy, my 8 year old yesterday.  Out of nowhere she says something like...

 "The Bible says that before God made people there was nothing... but it also says that God was always there, that he was never born like a baby...  What did he do forever before that?  Wasn't he BORED?"

I thought it was funny.  I answered with something very insightful... something along the lines of "I don't know..." and the conversation turned to a discussion about snack food and why bicycles get rusty.

But it is interesting isn't it?  We view everything in relation to US.  Like, Man, how could God possibly have kept himself occupied without US around to entertain him? LoL.  I think it's super cool though that kids don't have all the religious "boxes" we as adults do.  They are able to think up the most unanswerable questions.  That's great for reminding us that we're really all kids in the grand scheme of things.

Enough already!

Planning on camping out here for the rest of the week.  No more drama, overanalyzing or reading between the lines.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control.

Thanks God (and those around me!) for putting up with me and having patience with me.  Keep me focused on You.  Please keep me from getting wrapped up in the technicalities when I can be wrapped up in You.  Amen.

Daughters of Sarah/ Unanxious AND Unintimidated

I am struggling.

I am.  I don't understand everything, and I am majorly confused about some things, and I sometimes feel like I am groping around in the dark for truth and contentment and justice.

I am struggling in particular with something I will refer to as "women's roles."  You have to know, that phrase elicits an actual physical response in me.  I can feel my heart rate increase at the mention of certain key Bible verses even...  My stomach turns.  I sweat.  I'm seriously not kidding folks.  I can't argue with the fundamentalists... I don't really know precisely where I stand.  I don't really know what I'm doing.

I would venture to guess I'm not the only one with negative responses toward this issue.  However I think I may be coming at it from the exact opposite position of most.  And I wonder if it would be easier if I were on the "other side."  

I think alot of women have trouble with the "submission" issue.  I can understand that.  But I'm not having trouble with that.  I am at a point where I need to let God help me figure out how to have "God-confidence," to be a strong and courageous woman of God... WHILE maintaining a submissive spirit and being "courteously reverent."  The task seems insurmountable at the moment.  I honestly cannot begin to see in my mind's eye how this can play out.  I have no desire to reject the word of God on the matter... I want to one day be able to teach the younger women how to be reverent toward their husbands and honor God... But I also want to be who I was created to be in Christ... and while I know God doesn't contradict himself, so the two must be able to coexist peacefully... My puny brain is having a hard time wrapping itself around the idea.

Anybody seen Men In Black?  lol.  You know that mind-eraser thing... It flashes and suddenly you have no memory of what just happened.  Anybody have one of those laying around?  It is sooooo hard to divorce your personal "religious" experiences from the actual Word of God!  I wish I could forget what I've been taught and learn from The Teacher instead.  I know he has my best interest and ultimately His glory in mind.  I don't want to screw up his image anymore by living my crappy interpretation of his plan.  

I'm so thankful for grace.

That's all I've got really.

I can be wrong about everything.  I may be.  But I know that I'm right about who's digging me out of all this.  I know I'm right in trusting Him.  I know He loves ME because He cares for me NOW, as I am, not when I'm perfect.  That's such a huge gift.  A miracle really.   I am so happy to be part of His plan.  Even though I don't know exactly where I am and I can't see exactly where I'm going, I trust Him.  He has His hand on my life and I'm growing and learning and there's no better place to be than wherever I am, with Him.

Questions worth Pondering

These questions are from A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place:  An In-depth Study of the Old Testament Tabernacle, by Beth Moore.

I don't have answers to all of them.  Even if I did have answers, I'm not sure I'd want to share them just now.  (that's probably an answer in and of itself!)  But they're definitely worth thinking about.

Without a doubt, one of my freewill offerings is_______________.

I persistently try to act as if I cannot hear You ask me to give You my_____________ freely.

I recognize that You are completely able to transform my heart, but I have been unwilling to allow You to change my heart about_________________________.

Right now I am not lifting up a freewill offering to You at all.  The reason I am most aware of is________________.

I am presently giving my freewill offering at my local church in this capacity:________________.

I believe that You have led me to my congregation, because_____________________.

I am not sure that You have led me here, because_______________________.

I feel great joy when I am able to give of my ____________________.

I feel no joy when____________________.

Help me listen directly to You now, Lord, as You tell me what You desire my freewill offerings to be.  Give me the strength to risk allowing You to make the changes in my heart that joyfully giving these offerings would require.  Amen.

I'm a big kid, look what I can do...

Haha.  Seriously.  I just went to the gas station and put gas in the van ALL BY MYSELF!  Yes, this is a big deal.  I'm 31 years old.  I've been married for 10 years, and I cannot remember a time I put gas in my vehicle on my own.  I really can't.  I'm sure I must've filled up once or twice at least in the last 10 years, but I honestly cannot place it.  I was shocked, awed and astounded that you can now put money in a slot (like a vending machine) at the pump!  You don't even have to go inside!  Wow.  Very cool.  I now know which side of the van the tank is located (very exciting information I might add), and while I was a bit disconcerted when every $.05 or so, it went something like KER-THUNK and stopped pumping, when I went inside to find out what the deal was, the lady said, Oh hell, I dunno, just play with the stupid thing...  So it wasn't me!  I didn't do anything wrong!  Woohoo.  I was successful.  I don't have to run out of gas today.  

I've been putting gas in my own tank in other ways as well lately... I made an important decision about school for the kids.  I've been to the post office 3 times in the last 3 weeks on my own... and remembered how to get there without asking for directions...  I decided to pursue my Doula certification this summer and work from home part time next fall... I've been "Manning Up," per the current teaching series at Hub City... however sexist that may sound!  Hey, those words about courage and determination and "doing the right thing even when it's hard" apply to me as one of God's kids.  I need that encouragement right now, and while perhaps not all the men will be "man enough" to grab onto it, I'm woman enough to take it and run!

Are you a "Namer"?

I think I may be a Namer.

LoL

I've been re-reading the Wrinkle in Time series by Madeleine L'Engle... It was my favorite when I was probably in the 5th grade.  I had heard talk that it can be interpreted somewhat allegorically, similar to some of C.S. Lewis' stuff, so I had to find out for myself.

Here is an excerpt from the second book in the series, A Wind in the Door:

"Progo!  You said we were Namers.  I still don't know:  what is a Namer?"

"I've told you.  A Namer has to know who people are, and who they are meant to be.  I don't know why I should have been shocked at finding Echthroi on your planet."

"Why are they here?"

"Echthroi are always about when there's war.  They start all war."

"Progo, I saw all that awfulness you took me to see, that tearing of the sky, and all, but you still haven't told me exactly what Echthroi are."

Proginoskes probed into her mind, searching for words she could understand.  "I think your mythology would call them fallen angels.  War and hate are their business, and one of their chief weapons in un-Naming-- making people not know who they are.  If someone knows who he is, really knows, then he doesn't need to hate.  That's why we still need Namers, because there are places throughout the universe like your planet Earth.  When everyone is really and truly Named, then the Echthroi will be vanquished." (p. 97)

Perhaps we're all meant to be Namers.  Isn't that part of our job as followers of Jesus?  To call people as he sees them... To call them what they can be?  To edify... encourage...?

So you can pray for me today as I try to be the best Namer I can be...  It's not easy loving people when what you really want to do is strangle them...  Help me to name them who they really are in you, not just the sum of their actions.  Show me how to build up your church, your bride.  Amen.

How would YOU date God?

Wow, I'm on a roll lately, huh? LOL.

I had a very interesting conversation with someone today about one's "relationship with God"...  It got me thinking (run for cover!!!)  How easy it is for us to use that phrase "relationship with God."  What exactly does that look like?  What does it mean?  Is it merely church code for "sit down at some inhuman hour of the morning, narrowly escape falling asleep in your Bible and then wax eloquent about your spiritual experience in your snazzy looking, bonded leather "prayer journal?"

OUCH.

The person I talked to today was absolutely freaking petrified of "developing a relationship with God."  Why?  This person could not not NOT separate the idea of performing this terribly boring dry ritual from knowing God... Sad?  Have you honestly never felt that way?  

I do enjoy getting up early to spend time with God...  But not because I like getting up early...  I'm actually more of a go to bed sometime after midnight, sleep til 8am person... But with a house full of noisy demanding little people who are up by 6:30am at the latest... I have developed a tolerance for the early morning...  And I LOVE to read!  I used to read all day every day during the summers when I was a kid... Oh I relished every moment.  I almost never went to bed without first finishing whatever book I was reading that day... And if I was forced to sleep in the middle of a book, I grabbed it the moment I woke up in the morning and got right to the business of finishing it as quickly as I could.  So for me, getting up early and reading my Message Bible... I actually feel kinda giddy just thinking about it.  I HATE, DESPISE and LOATHE praying out loud in front of people... BUT I love to read from the Psalms and make those song/prayers my own to God...  They inspire me... I "feel" those kind of prayers, same as I do music really... I can sing a mean prayer with just my guitar and an empty house... Just me and my Father... awesome!  I also love writing, and while I don't think I could ever tote around the bonded leather "prayer journal," I have definitely bought into the whole blog deal...

But that's ME.  I like doing those things... Those are activities that excite me (boring as that may be to a bazillion other people), things I am passionate about, and therefore things I like sharing with the Lover of my soul...

What do you like to do?  Are you one of those people who absolutely cannot bear the thought of sitting down and reading?  Do you get drowsy just imagining it?  Why not check out a relevant version of the Bible on CD or download one onto your IPod?  Or are you someone who can sit down at the computer, blink your eyes 3 times, and suddenly realize you've just been reading about the mating pattern of lemmings for the past 8.5 hours?  Perhaps the click click clicking of an online devotional program is something that would hold your attention.  Podcasts and uplifting music (whatever that is for you) are great ways of keeping your focus throughout the day.  

How would you choose to talk (a.k.a prayer) to your Lover?  Like I said, I am all about song... When I met my husband, I wrote him songs and poems to express my love for him.  I enjoy doing that for my God as well... it's how I relate.  For some people the prayer journal works, for others the sight of your own words is distracting.  Take a walk and talk out loud to God (unless your neighbors spend alot of time looking out their front windows-- you may end up with more "alone time" than you know what to do with, in a cushy white room somewhere), or sing along to some music in your car on your way to work.  If you drive for a living, make a habit of thanking God at red lights... just to let him know you're thinking of him... I DON'T KNOW!  There's no hard and fast rule as to how to "do" this thing...

I never would have fallen in love with my husband if he had insisted that every date we went on be over 9 holes on a golf course!  I would have died of boredom by the end of the first date!  Instead we spent long hours just sitting and talking over coffee and playing guitar and singing to each other.  He won my heart wooing me with my own passions.

Our Bridegroom does the same thing with us.  And amazingly (to us anyway), he relates with each of us according to our passions, gifts, personalities... Is it really that surprising?  After all, it is He who made us in the first place!

I just challenge anyone reading this (yes, all 3 of you!) to spend a bit of time thinking about how you would date God.  Cause that's really what that "relationship" is all about.  He is wanting to capture YOUR heart on your turf.  Give him a chance.  He's the best lover you'll ever have.  

My Hip God...

I know that sounds weird to say... but let me explain (let's face it, you can't STOP me from explaining right?)

This morning I woke up with a cloud of sadness hanging over my head.  In fact, I've spent the last several days kind of wishing a black hole would open up under my feet and swallow me whole...

BUT, it's what happens next that's really pretty nifty.  After the sickening sadness in the pit of my stomach... come the butterflies.  Remember that wonderfully delicious flittering jumping feeling you got in the deep part of your belly with the anticipation of seeing your loved one in the early part of your relationship?  I mean, it was truly enough to make you ill with gladness... the anticipation of seeing your beloved's face... spending time with that person... Just delightful!

That's how I feel about my Father in the morning.  I'm smiling right now remembering how sweet and exciting that feeling is in the early morning, when the house is still quiet (if I'm lucky!) and the smell of coffee and hope fills the air.  I get to go meet with God!  An early morning rendezvous with the Lover of my soul!  My skin actually tingles to think of it.   Does that sound sacrilegious?  Haha that's ok...  If you haven't experienced that feeling... be jealous!

So I'm reading a study by Beth Moore called A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place.  It's tedious.  And all the verses in the book are out of the KJV *rolls eyes*.  But I'm sticking to it.  And after I'm done with the day's reading, I've been digging into the Psalms.  God planned them with me in mind.  Don't try to convince me otherwise.  I can be very stubborn.  :p  

So I read this Psalm today and it was so very cool... I could see the smoky atmosphere of a beatnik coffee shop... hear the snapping fingers... the drum pounding... the jumping feet of the poet, arms spread wide, whirling... shouting!  I'm telling you... Jack Kerouac... You ain't got nothin on my hip God.

Here it is:  Psalm 29 out of The Message:

Bravo, God, bravo!

Gods and all angels shout, "Encore!"

In awe before the glory,

In awe before God's visible power.

Stand at attention!

Dress your best to honor him!

God thunders across the waters,

Brilliant, his voice and his face, streaming brightness--

God, across the flood waters.

God's thunder tympanic,

God's thunder symphonic.

God's thunder smashes cedars,

God topples the northern cedars.

The mountain ranges skip like spring colts,

The high ridges jump like wild kid goats.

God's thunder spits fire.

God thunders, the wilderness quakes;

He makes the desert of Kadesh shake.

God's thunder sets the oak trees dancing

A wild dance, whirling; the pelting rain strips their branches.

We fall to our knees-- we call out, "GLORY!"

Above the floodwaters is God's throne

from which his power flows,

from which he rules the world.

God makes his people strong.

God gives his people peace.

Book Burning

Haha, yes you read that right... Though likely (due to weather), the book will actually just go in the trash.  The important thing is that it is not going to be recycled into someone else's hands.  The book is called Created To Be His Helpmeet.  Now before anybody's panties get all in a bunch, let me say this.  I'm not trashing the book out of disrespect or dishonor toward my husband.  I am actually trashing the book (and along with it the mindset) out of Respect and Honor toward my God.  

I remember when we first bought pants for our girls.  Walking through the mall, they were tripping over their own feet out of amazement, staggering around backward and sideways trying to get a glimpse of their own gait, as if to say "Look Mom!  We have Legs!" LoL.  I actually shed a few tears realizing how the choices we had made had already affected their perception of themselves and God at such a young age.  Little did I know at that time that simply changing your outfit doesn't change your heart and it certainly doesn't erase your past.  It is easy enough to wear jeans and short hair and continue to live as a second class citizen.  

Don't get me wrong.  I think it is very important that a woman respect and bring honor to her husband.  I also think *gasp* it is very important for a man to respect and bring honor to his wife.  The Body of Christ, His Church, has been crippled by the false notion that The Purpose for a woman's existence is to make her husband a better person.  I certainly think that can happen.  I think a woman can be made a better person by knowing her husband as well.  And I definitely see that all throughout The Church.  We make each other better by living with each other.  However, to say that I was created to be my husband's helpmeet?  Honestly it seems like a slap in the face to God.  What am I without my husband?  Nothing?  Useless?  Purposeless?  Ridiculous!  

I have long scorned being born a woman.  It has seemed a curse and a bore.  But I've let men tell me these things... tradition... religion...  not God... you know, the One who created me!  How foolish.  So what does God say about me?  My Father... My Creator?  Here are just a few of His thoughts toward me:

Genesis 1:27

I'm created in God's image!  I resemble my Father because He created me in His own image!

Psalm 139:13-14

I'm the handiwork of the Lord!  He created my innermost being, He knit me together in my mother's womb, and I praise Him because He has carefully and wonderfully made my spirit, soul, and body!

Isaiah 43:1

I'm confident!  I do not fear because God has redeemed me and called me by name saying, "You are Mine!"

Isaiah 49:16

I'm known!  God has me engraved on the palms of His hands.

John 15:1-8

I'm a branch on the True Vine, Jesus Christ!  I bear His fruit and when needed, He purges me so that I can bear even morel.  The life of God runs through Jesus and runs through me, and we are one!  I follow His Word.  I abide in Him and He abides in me!  I will not be fruitless or worthless to His great cause!  I will glorify the Father and bear much fruit!  I am a disciple of Christ!

Romans 8:15-16

I don't fear!  When I got saved, I didn't receive a spirit of repression that leads to fear, but I got the Spirit of adoption that makes me cry out, "Abba, Father!"  The Holy Spirit recognizes that I'm God's child and I do too!

Romans 12:2

I'm different!  I don't conform to the corrupt ways of the world.  Instead, I choose to be transformed by the renewing of my mind to the Word- and I'm proving the good, acceptable, and perfect will of God!

Galatians 5:22-23

I have the fruit of God's Spirit in me!  I have a spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, meekness, temperance and faith!

Word of God, Speak...

Not an enormous fan of MercyMe, but the words to this song are really talking to me this morning:

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness 
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

Psalm 119:73

With your very own hands you formed me; now breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you.  When they see me waiting, expecting your Word, those who fear you will take heart and be glad.  I can see now God, that your decisions are right; your testing has taught me what's true and right.  Oh, love me-- and right now!-- hold me tight! just the way you promised.  Now comfort me so I can live, really live; your revelation is the tune I dance to.