Going Live.

So.  I've decided to retire scatteredseed.  Lots of reasons.  None of which I really feel like disclosing, except to say that it's part of becoming the "good dirt" that inspired me to start this silly blog in the first place.

To any habitual readers:
1) Sorry-- Sorry for wasting lots of your time.  Sorry for making an ass out of myself publicly on more than one occasion (ok, that's really more of an apology to me!).  Sorry most of all for thinking out loud instead of living that way lots of times.
2) Thanks-- Thanks for wanting to know me anyway : )

Hurry up and wait.

Well.  I heard back about my labs today.  Lyme disease Negative.  Yay!  Epstein Barr virus just showed that I had been previously infected by the virus that causes Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  However, the levels do not explain my symptoms.  I was confused about which tests he was ordering.  He did not do anything having to do with Myasthenia Gravis.  He's pursuing that through the neurologist.  SO.  Time to hurry up and wait.  I am not a very patient person apparently.  I thought I was going to be.  I felt so calm after my appt the other day, almost eerily so.  I must have been in shock.  Blah.  On a good note, my arms aren't hurting so badly today as they have been.  Hoping to feel all the way better soon.  I have a couple busy days next week and it would be good to be focused.  Pain is an incredible distraction, and though I've been doing my best to stay positive, I do get worn down over time.  Like I told Christian the other day, "I'm not magic ya know..."

Where the Wild Things Are

Hmmm...
Errr...
Argh...
SIGH.

Yeah, I dunno.  I think I had a real problem with this movie.  I don't recall ever having read the children's book (it IS a children's book right?), but I kinda wish I had had a clue before I saw it with my kids last night...  I'm guessing (and hoping) it didn't sink into them quite the way it did me.

I wonder what others thought of this movie?  It started out sort of fun, quirky, odd... in an offbeat kind of way.  Which I like.  Honestly, the movie (in my opinion anyway) was really well done.  It's just... Well, I'm not even sure how to explain it.  There was just an element of darkness.  Something "off" about it.  Maybe even untrue.  This pervasive feeling of... loneliness, disconnection, rejection... I am alone and no one will/can ever understand me...  It really bothered me.  Maybe some people wouldn't pick up on it.  Maybe it's because I have thoughts that I have to fight off like that a lot myself.  I wasn't so sure how I felt about it directly after watching it, but I actually wish I hadn't seen it now.

So there you have it.  My review and un-recommendation.  Watch at risk to your own psyche.

Don't Look the Other Way.

I know this is long.  Please read it anyway.


I was reading this in Deuteronomy 15:7-11:
When you happen on someone who's in trouble or needs help among your people with whom you live in this land that God, your God, is giving you, don't look the other way pretending you don't see him.  Don't keep a tight grip on your purse.  No.  Look at him, open your purse, lend whatever and as much as he needs.  Don't count the cost.  Don't listen to that selfish voice saying, "It's almost the seventh year, the year of All-Debts-Are-Canceled," and turn aside and leave your needy neighbor in the lurch, refusing to help him.  He'll call God's attention to you and your blatant sin.  Give freely and spontaneously.  Don't have a stingy heart.  The way you handle matters like this triggers God, your God's, blessing in everything you do, all your work and ventures.  There are always going to be poor and needy people among you.  So I command you:  Always be generous, open purse and hands, give to your neighbors in trouble, your poor and hurting neighbors.


A couple things jumped out at me about this.  For one, the passage starts out by reminding us that what we have, we have because God has given it to us.  I think that is so important to remember and we often lose sight of it.  We feel like, Oh I have this money or this house or this car or these nice things because I worked hard for them.  And to a point that is true.  We are hard workers out of obedience.  But the fact that that job you have is even available to you is God's doing.  And everything starts out as His.  


Another thing that hit me about these verses.  The "don't look the other way" part... You know why people look down right?  See, last season I watched the TV show "Lie To Me" so I know all about this. C'mon it was on TV, so it's got to be true right? LoL.  Seriously though, we cast our eyes down when we feel shame.  That's why we look down when we see some dirty homeless guy on the corner asking for money or food or work or whatever.  We feel ashamed.  Ashamed that we have so much and others so little.  Ashamed that we know we are avoiding doing something when we know deep down we're capable of easing another human's suffering.  The Bible tells us to "look at him" and then act on the compassion that is sure to follow.  


Something else I wanted to touch on here.  The part about not thinking "but the year of canceling debts is almost here..."  We're talking about passing the buck.  In modern day terms this could read--- "Don't tell yourself he could walk around the corner and file for food stamps or I'm sure the car behind me will pick him up a hamburger or there's a homeless shelter down the street... Look at him.  He's YOUR responsibility."  None of these things matter.  


Right now he is hungry.  He is thirsty.  He is cold.  He is tired.  What would you do if that was Jesus?  Let me repeat myself.  We're NOT talking WWJD here.  What would YOU do if that was JESUS standing there on the corner?  Hungry.  Thirsty.  Cold.  Tired.  Your Lord.  The One who saves you.  The One who gave you all you have anyway.  What would you do then?  Would you cast your eyes downward and drive past, hoping the car behind you would get this one?  Would you silently encourage yourself by remembering the soup kitchen is not too far away?  Or would you be like the woman who poured the anointing oil on His head and washed His feet with her tears?  


I can't tell you how badly my heart hurts for the people right here in our community who are poor and needy.  And I feel ashamed when I think how The Church in general behaves toward them.  And when I say "The Church," I don't mean the programs we fund and the can drives we do.  I just mean each one of us.  What are we doing?  Can you imagine what would happen in the world, the U.S., in SC, in Spartanburg, in that horrible little neighborhood by The Beacon... if we would just realize that that dirty, hungry, thirsty, tired guy on the corner... he's Jesus?  What a miracle God could work if we would just look at Him?

Are you there God...?

I just have to say.  God, I have not the faintest inkling of a clue what in the world you are doing.  And that's ok.  You don't have to tell me.  Just whatever it is, don't let me screw it up ok?
Thanks,
Jaimee

The gravity of God's Word

So... HOORAY for being out of Numbers! LoL.  I'm actually reading in Deuteronomy and Galatians simultaneously right now, and I don't know about you, but I love it when things from the old and new testaments line up to give you a clearer picture of God and what's important to Him.  Here's what "clicked" for me today:


I read this in Deuteronomy 13:1-4
When a prophet or visionary gets up in your community and gives out a miracle-sign or wonder, and the miracle-sign or wonder that he gave out happens and he says, "Let's follow other gods" (these are gods you know nothing about), "let's worship them," don't pay any attention to what that prophet or visionary says.  God, your God, is testing you to find out if you totally love him with everything you have in you.  You are to follow only God, your God, hold him in deep reverence, keep his commandments, listen obediently to what he says, serve him---hold on to him for dear life!


and then this in Galatians 1:6-9
I can't believe your fickleness---how easily you have turned traitor to him who called you by the grace of Christ by embracing a variant message!  It is not a minor variation, you know; it is completely other, an alien message, a no-message, a lie about God.  Those who are provoking this agitation among you are turning the Message of Christ on its head.  Let me be blunt:  If one of us---even if an angel from heaven!---were to preach something other than what we preached originally, let him be cursed.  I said it once; I'll say it again:  If anyone, regardless of reputation or credentials, preaches something other than what you received originally, let him be cursed.


I don't know why I never noticed that before in Deuteronomy... that a prophet can be right... or produce signs or miracles... and still be wrong about God.  That's pretty huge.  And how Paul says even if he were to come along and preach against what God originally spoke, he should be cursed.  I don't know... To me that just shows how desperately important it is for us to know God and what He's about.  How else will we know if someone preaches something against Him?  How else will we know if something is just hype or if it's a true sign from God?  That's a lot of responsibility.  The only way I can think to be sure is to be so into The Bible and talking with God about what we're reading every day, that those words just become part of who we are... so that when something against the truth comes out... we'll just know there's something not quite right about that... Personally, I'm finding that's true with my thought life as well.  When I'm reading my Bible consistently and putting my focus on what God says is true, I'm not so likely to just accept every thought that pops into my head.  I'm quicker at weeding out lies from the enemy from what I know to be true and I'm not as apt to just react to everything that flits across my consciousness. 


This is a verse I'm working on (I have a mental block against memorization so it may take awhile)
Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you brothers [and sisters, of course!], in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God---this is your spiritual act of worship.  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is---his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Maybe it was brave...

So I went to the doctor yesterday, Allen and Clayton in tow.  It went really really really well.  I successfully played dumb and just casually and unemotionally listed the symptoms I am dealing with.  Allen confirmed and gave detail.  We laughed, we joked, we made small talk.  We were at the mercy of the extreme and almost god-like knowledge of the medical profession... (ok, not really, but we pretended to be... and I think we did a good job at it).

The doctor thinks he knows what is wrong with me.  Really strange.  In fact, he wrote the name of it down on a little prescription pad thing and handed it to Allen (I told him I didn't want it) and told him to look it up on webmd.com... Isn't that weird?  It's called Myasthenia Gravis.  From what Allen and my mom read about it, it's an autoimmune disease that attacks some kind of receptor thing in the muscles?  So as Allen explained, it's like there are too many phone calls and not enough answering machines... So signals are going from the brain to the muscles and the muscles aren't getting the message...  He is doing something to check if I have a tumor(s) in my thymus gland.  Apparently this is something that can go along with Myasthenia Gravis and could perhaps explain why I've been having sore, swollen throat and coughing in the evening.  There are lots of other things, but I'm kinda tuning them out for right now.  If I actually get a diagnosis, then I'll do some looking into it.  I should hear back about some blood work he ordered in a few days, and I go to see the neurologist in mid-April.  I'm a little sad that he didn't prescribe something for the pain that I'm having, so if anybody reading this wants to pray that this "episode" will end that would be fabulous.

Oh and he's checking for some other things too... all of which I'm not sure, but I know he said Lyme disease (I grew up in OH) and Epstein Barre virus.

Should be interesting.  I actually feel very positive about this round.  I have been dealing with this for about 3 years or so.  Round one proved I was not having strokes or seizures and probably not MS or Meneire's disease (an inner ear disease), and Round 2 confirmed no MS, but brought up the possibility that I was having "silent" Hemiplegic migraines and even the question of Fibromyalgia... Now here we are, nearly 2 years from my last Dr appt, and I guess some of the symptoms that I am having are starting to point to an actual diagnosis.  Oh how I would love to just know.  To be able to say with confidence--- See!  I knew I wasn't nuts!-- See!  I would never make all this crap up... That has been the hardest thing for me through this... worse than the pain or any of the other symptoms... is feeling sometimes like those closest to me don't believe me or think I'm crazy.  I hate that it has to be a doctor that convinces them, but if that's what it takes, so be it.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I almost can't imagine having a name for this thing, an explanation for people and a way of coping.  I can't help but feel hopeful.

Doctor, Doctor...

I can't decide if I'm being brave or stupid, but I'm going to the doctor today.  And I'm taking Allen with me.  I'm thinking maybe I'll let him do most of the talking.

Ok. So I don't know EVERYTHING...

Yeah I realize that statement may come as a surprise to some of you (probably only that I said it, not that's it's true!) lol.  Anyway, I've been thinking about something.  I am considering visiting a doctor.  *GASP*  I've just had another "episode," probably as a result of this silly head cold that just won't go away and leave me alone.  The biggest in probably a year, and the first time I've had any real pain (aside from migraine, gallbladder or joint pain) since I first got sick about 3 years ago.  And it's a little scary to not know what's going on with your body.  I can't go back to our family doctor.  If I tell him something hurts, he hands me Ativan.  If I tell him I can't feel the left side of my body, he hands me Ativan.  If I tell him he sucks and is a total jerk... just kidding...  Anyway, Oh the joy of being a woman with a (yes I admit it) high-strung personality.  I don't need medicine for that though, so I need to find a new doctor.  SO.  Pray that I make a wise decision.  That I find a competent and at least somewhat compassionate doctor.  That it will be a doctor who can admit to not knowing, if necessary, instead of throwing psychotropic drugs at me.  And that he/she will have the right resources/knowledge to at least point me in the right direction.

For MY mind???

You've heard that phrase before right?  "The battle for your mind."  It has me thinking.


I'm reading this book Love and War by the Eldredges.  I didn't like it at all at first.  And then I got to the chapter where John says he hates Valentine's Day, so I started to sort of like him, but I still was feeling very annoyed by his wife, who I envision probably enjoys going to Mary Kay parties and getting her nails done.  Now, about 2/3 of the way through, I'm kind of resigned.  Like, Oh fine.  Just teach me.  Dammit.


The book is actually about marriage.  Which I hate, because I am strangely drawn to books that tell you how to have a happy /life, child, religion, kitchen, marriage, etc/  I am a sucker for a formula so I generally try to avoid them like the plague.  What I'm reading though doesn't actually have a lot to do with my marriage.  I mean it does... but only sort of as a side effect.  


I'm actually kind of surprised at some of the things I've been believing.  Some of the patterns of thinking I've let myself get into.  Not exactly sure how that all happens, but I can see how damaging it is, and I'm sort of sick of it.  It's pretty exhausting to be run by your emotions, lots of them planted there by the enemy, especially when who you really are longs to listen to God.  I'm totally feeling Paul's whole confusing monologue-- you know-- the I do that which I do not want to do and do not do that which I want... or something like that...  I want to just push aside all the crap and look at God.  It seems so difficult, but so simple if I could just side-step the distractions.  It's really like you just can't afford to get lazy even for a minute or pretty soon all the lies are such a huge shit pile that you don't even know where to begin.


Anyway.  Good book so far.  Sort of painful, in a cleansing kind of way.  But good.  I think I would recommend it.

Pray and Forgive/Trust and Love

I was reading in Mark today.  The story of the cursed fig tree... which a lot of things about that story really bug me.  But anyway... A couple things that Jesus said really made me think.

In verses 22-25, He said:
"Embrace this God-life. Really embrace it, and nothing will be too much for you. This mountain, for instance: Just say, 'Go jump in the lake'—no shuffling or shilly-shallying—and it's as good as done. That's why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you'll get God's everything. And when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it's not all asking. If you have anything against someone, forgive—only then will your heavenly Father be inclined to also wipe your slate clean of sins."


I can't say about myself that I never doubt, or even that I am trusting or confident.  I'd like to be, but I'm not.  But I'm really hearing in this the importance of going ahead and talking with God about everything anyway.  I think I'm at the point where I would welcome God surprising me... not that it should surprise me when God does something great... just that it would be surprising (to me) if He did something great in answer to *my* prayer.


Also the importance of forgiveness.  A few days ago we had a little altercation with our oldest daughter.  An incident in which she had really sinned against her daddy.  It was really something moving to see how their relationship was restored after she admitted what she had done and accepted discipline.  It is my desire to be so open and clear with God and in all the relationships in my life.  There's a lot of freedom and intimacy in that.  


And not only in asking for forgiveness.   Yes, it's difficult to say you're sorry and ask for forgiveness.  But we can be kind of selfish in that, because we know that we'll feel better afterward.  It's a relief to clear the air.  But forgiving others... I think the key is loving the offender.  If you really love them, you can want them to have that free, clear feeling.  It's important to you that the relationship be restored and that the other person be built back up.  It becomes worth giving up those feelings of justice and retribution you get when you know you've been wronged.


So my prayer:  God teach me how to trust.  And teach me how to really love.  So that you can be glorified and others can receive the grace you've shown me.  Amen.


e.t.a.  There are some people out there who I have done wrong.  Who we (Allen and I) have done wrong.  We've asked for forgiveness (maybe that request was not shared with everyone), and you wouldn't give it.  I just want to let you know on the off chance that you're actually reading this silly blog of mine, that that's ok.  I truly am sorry.  I know we hurt a lot of people.  And we were hurt badly as well.  But I'm letting it go, and I hope you are too.  I loved you guys more than you can know and I wish things had turned out differently.  I hope you're all well and experiencing God's huge grace every day.

Leaving and Camping

So I'm reading in Numbers (yes STILL).  And Numbers is really probably the very last place I would think that anything of any significance would jump out at me.  


But I was reading there today and it was all about leaving and camping... leaving and camping... leaving and camping... Everybody left their homes and camped.  I am an excellent storyteller, I know.  So then after all this leaving and camping, all of a sudden (and maybe it wasn't all of a sudden; it could have been 100 years, it certainly felt that way reading it) God gives them a place to settle, to call home.  And guess what.  It wasn't Utopia.  It wasn't like The Garden of Eden 2.  He gave them this land filled w/idols that they were responsible for destroying and sinners they had to drive out.  Then (to add to the blessing?) He told them if they didn't get rid of all that crap, that He would treat them the same way He had planned on treating the current inhabitants...


Now I don't remember what happens next.  I don't know why I'm not just going back over Numbers all the time *place in which sarcasm font would come in handy,* so maybe I'll change my mind.  But I just think it's interesting.  Interesting that God would lead them from their own homes, uproot them and drag them all over hell and half of Egypt to give them yet another struggle and a decision that could cost them everything.  I wonder if he was purifying them.  Like all those other stories about melting down gold or whatever, or pruning the vines or burning the chaff.  I just wonder.  I feel like that sometimes.  And sometimes I think sheesh, maybe I prefer camping.  I mean ticks and poison ivy are nuisances yes, but idols and enemies???  Are you serious???


And here ends my pointless post for the day.  Sorry.  I don't have anything else.  I did think it was interesting though, and for Numbers, that's sayin' something!  : )

Amazed.

Luke 5:26 Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, "We have seen remarkable things today."


I know the story is about a paralytic being healed.  But I got to be present for a birth today.  And that's how I feel.  I don't think there is anything more amazing and awe-inspiring than seeing a baby be born.  Nowhere else is GOD and what matters to him so tangible.

Money money money Money...

Ok, so I realize this is maybe not the most terribly exciting thing to read about, but I'm going to post my monthly savings tracker and just say a few words (rare, I know) about it and what I hope to do in the month of March.

February-at-a-Glance
Total Shelf Cost:			$1,623.50			Monthly Budget:		$300.00
Total Coupon Savings:			$1,310.88			Variance:		$2.38
Total Savings:			$1,325.88
Amount Paid (after rebates):			$297.62			Rebates Owed:		$15.00
Savings Rate:			81.67%			Amount Paid (exc. Rebates)		$312.62
February Spending & Saving Details
Date	Store	Shelf Cost	Coupons	Discounts	Rebates*	Total Savings	Amt Paid	Savings Rate	Comments
02/05/10	Food Lion	$6.06	$5.00			$5.00	$1.06	82.51%
02/05/10	BiLo	$116.87	$86.24		$15.00	$101.24	$15.63	86.63%
02/05/10	Ingles	$34.20	$30.00			$30.00	$4.20	87.72%
02/05/10	Publix	$109.18	$82.03			$82.03	$27.15	75.13%
02/07/10	Walgreens	$43.76	$42.98			$42.98	$0.78	98.22%
02/07/10	Walgreens	$16.48	$16.40			$16.40	$0.08	99.51%
02/07/10	Walgreens	$15.98	$15.25			$15.25	$0.73	95.43%
02/07/10	Walgreens	$53.06	$51.08			$51.08	$1.98	96.27%
02/07/10	Walgreens	$43.98	$43.58			$43.58	$0.40	99.09%
02/07/10	Walgreens	$16.48	$16.40			$16.40	$0.08	99.51%
02/07/10	Walgreens	$16.48	$16.15			$16.15	$0.33	98.00%
02/07/10	Walgreens	$25.36	$23.40			$23.40	$1.96	92.27%	3RR
02/09/10	Walgreens	$6.38	$4.50			$4.50	$1.88	70.53%
02/09/10	Walgreens	$12.38	$11.00			$11.00	$1.38	88.85%	3RR
02/13/10	BiLo	$80.69	$59.85			$59.85	$20.84	74.17%
02/13/10	Publix	$190.61	$152.44			$152.44	$38.17	79.97%
02/14/10	Publix	$56.04	$48.75			$48.75	$7.29	86.99%
02/14/10	Walgreens	$20.97	$16.48			$16.48	$4.49	78.59%
02/14/10	Walgreens	$11.46	$11.27			$11.27	$0.19	98.34%
02/14/10	Walgreens	$13.96	$10.18			$10.18	$3.78	72.92%
02/14/10	CVS	$74.98	$74.98			$74.98	$-	100.00%	20ECB
02/17/10	RiteAid	$15.98	$14.00			$14.00	$1.98	87.61%
02/19/10	FoodLion	$11.64	$7.37			$7.37	$4.27	63.32%
02/19/10	BiLo	$54.88	$37.74			$37.74	$17.14	68.77%
02/19/10	Publix	$187.09	$142.07			$142.07	$45.02	75.94%
02/21/10	CVS	$37.71	$37.19			$37.19	$0.52	98.62%	9ECB
02/26/10	Target	$17.66	$17.00			$17.00	$0.66	96.26%
02/26/10	FoodLion	$21.61	$15.20			$15.20	$6.41	70.34%
02/26/10	BiLo	$71.60	$44.78			$44.78	$26.82	62.54%
02/26/10	Publix	$124.17	$87.60			$87.60	$36.57	70.55%
02/27/10	Walgreens	$12.98	$6.98			$6.98	$6.00	53.78%	5RR
02/28/10	CVS	$38.54	$38.09			$38.09	$0.45	98.83%	5.50ECB
02/28/10	Walgreens	$33.40	$20.90			$20.90	$12.50	62.57%
02/28/10	Walgreens	$17.97	$15.40			$15.40	$2.57	85.70%
02/28/10	Walgreens	$12.91	$8.60			$8.60	$4.31	66.62%	5RR

I am happy I was able to stick to my budget, but slightly disappointed.  Let me tell you why.  It was easy for me to stick to $75 per week.  I actually was fairly lazy about half this month with putting together my lists and really trying to keep my totals down.  I haven't really moved any closer to my ultimate goal.  What I would like to see happen is to stick to $50 at the groceries and around $10 max at the drugstores each week.  I know that I can do that.  It's just going to take some extra figuring.  The reason I'd like to get it down that far is that my allowed budget is $75 per week.  So if I only spend $60, that's $15 left over.  I'm thinking that $15 per week extra could really come in handy over time when I need to buy a gift or someone needs a meal or when I want to buy a bottle of wine to have with a special dinner or ???  It would be nice and less burden to the rest of our budget if I already had that money set aside.  I'm excited for the challenge and it makes me feel like a contributor to our family's finances.  I think the main obstacle to my success is that I say "yes" to too many good things!  I see this in other areas of my life too from time to time.  So I'm going to rein it in a bit, heighten my focus and push forward to the goal.  Hopefully March's savings tracker will be a lot closer to what I'm aiming for.