On being one of the pretty girls.

So.  As you can probably figure, this post is directed primarily at any women who have accidentally stumbled upon my blog.  If you're a man, I'm not going to divulge any too-telling info or anything, but it will have to be up to God to work anything in you regarding this content.  That's not really what I'm after this morning.


I mentioned several weeks ago in a post about favor, that I had struggled as a teenager with an eating disorder.  God brought it up again, after years of not thinking about it, during a fast... sort of ironic dontcha think?  This is really not a topic I like to revisit.  I don't enjoy thinking about those times, but it has come up with a fair amount of regularity lately, so I wanted to just touch on a few things.  


I spent my childhood as an outcast.  I was a chubby kid.  I had no fashion sense.  I was sort of brainy.  I had acne and was so painfully shy that I was in pretty much a perpetual state of blushing.  You've seen Napoleon Dynamite?  I was the girl with the side ponytail, selling keychains and making dresses with puffy sleeves.  I wasn't necessarily "unliked," but I was definitely ignored and rejected.  I always wanted to be one of the pretty girls.  You know the ones.  Those girls that traveled in packs, wore makeup and bras before everybody else... snickered in the hall about boys and had slumber parties on the weekends.  No matter what I did... what clothes I wore or what music I listened to... Underneath, I was still me and I guess that showed.  And that was never enough.  I gave up trying after awhile, and even brazenly rebelled by ultimately becoming what I perceived to be the exact opposite of those pretty girls and everything they stood for, but that feeling of wanting to be something I'm not stuck with me for a long time.  


So why bring this all up now right?  I mean, does it really matter anyway?  We all have junk we've had to deal with.  Everyone has felt rejected, hurt, ignored at some point in their lives.  There's really nothing special about my experience.  Well, that's not exactly true.  All that crap I went through is not what makes me different.  But the fact that I am an overcomer of all that stuff is.  And more importantly, that I have overcome by rejecting the world's opinion of me and really even my opinion of me, and embracing my Father's opinion, knowledge really, of me... That's what makes me different and special... I can say with absolute certainty that He is really the only one who has ever really understood me.  


He knew I was going to need the most extravagant grace and friendship and acceptance to be able to leave my rules-based, legalistic, control-freak, critical, wounded, hurting, broken (the list goes on and on- maybe you can relate) SELF behind and become the person He had planned for me to be.  It has not been easy.  It's been (and will continue to be) an everyday, every decision thing... to decide to line my will up with His... to show myself grace, the way He would/does... I screw up.  I backslide.  I get into some of my old self-loathing patterns from time to time.  But I can't ever really go back now.  I have to trust that He knows what He's doing with me, even when I can't see it.  Besides, you know, He has made me one of "the pretty girls..." After all this time, in my middle age, in my mommy-of-four body, with sickness and scars... I don't wonder anymore if I'm beautiful... if I'm loved... if I'm accepted... How can I feel rejected or not good enough, knowing how The King of the Universe feels about me?  


So you're dying to know what He thinks of me right? lol.  I'm not bragging... Well I am, but not about anything you can't have or experience too.  Women... especially married women... I challenge you to literally take every thought captive in obedience to Jesus... Catch each negative, self-hating thought before you let yourself bring it to fruit.  Remember who made you.  Think about why He loves you.  Don't slight your husband or your God by being down on yourself.  They both think you're beautiful.


Here's what the "pretty girls" think of themselves:

• I am a child of God.  But to all who have received him--those who believe in his name--he has given the right to become God's children … (John 1:12).

• I am a branch of the true vine, and a conduit of Christ’s life.  I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener. I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me--and I in him--bears much fruit, because apart from me you can accomplish nothing (John 15:1, 5).

• I am a friend of Jesus.  I no longer call you slaves, because the slave does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because I have revealed to you everything I heard from my Father (John 15:15).

• I have been justified and redeemed.  But they are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus (Romans 3:24).

• My old self was crucified with Christ, and I am no longer a slave to sin.  We know that our old man was crucified with him so that the body of sin would no longer dominate us, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin (Romans 6:6).

• I will not be condemned by God.  There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).

• I have been set free from the law of sin and death.  For the law of the life-giving Spirit in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2).

• As a child of God, I am a fellow heir with Christ.  And if children, then heirs (namely, heirs of God and also fellow heirs with Christ)--if indeed we suffer with him so we may also be glorified with him (Romans 8:17).

• I have been accepted by Christ.  Receive one another, then, just as Christ also received you, to God's glory (Romans 15:7).

• I have been called to be a saint.  … To the church of God that is in Corinth, to those who are sanctified in Christ Jesus, and called to be saints, with all those in every place who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, their Lord and ours (1 Corinthians 1:2). (See also Ephesians 1:1, Philippians 1:1, and Colossians 1:2.)

• In Christ Jesus, I have wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption.  He is the reason you have a relationship with Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption … (1 Corinthians 1:30).

• My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who dwells in me.  Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you (1 Corinthians 6:19)?

• I am joined to the Lord and am one spirit with Him.  But the one united with the Lord is one spirit with him (1 Corinthians 6:17).

• God leads me in the triumph and knowledge of Christ.  But thanks be to God who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and who makes known through us the fragrance that consists of the knowledge of him in every place (2 Corinthians 2:14).

• The hardening of my mind has been removed in Christ.  But their minds were closed. For to this very day, the same veil remains when they hear the old covenant read./netbible2/index.php?header=&book=2co&chapter=3 It has not been removed because only in Christ is it taken away (2 Corinthians 3:14).

• I am a new creature in Christ.  So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away--look, what is new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17)!

• I have become the righteousness of God in Christ.  God made the one who did not know sin to be sin for us, so that in him we would become the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21).

• I have been made one with all who are in Christ Jesus.  There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female--for all of you are one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28).

• I am no longer a slave, but a child and an heir.  So you are no longer a slave but a son, and if you are a son, then you are also an heir through God (Galatians 4:7).

• I have been set free in Christ.  For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not be subject again to the yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1).

• I have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places.  Blessed is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms in Christ (Ephesians 1:3).

• I am chosen, holy, and blameless before God.  For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we may be holy and unblemished in his sight in love (Ephesians 1:4).

• I am redeemed and forgiven by the grace of Christ.  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace (Ephesians 1:7).

• I have been predestined by God to obtain an inheritance.  In Christ we too have been claimed as God's own possession, since we were predestined according to the one purpose of him who accomplishes all things according to the counsel of his will (Ephesians 1:11).

• I have been sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise.  And when you heard the word of truth (the gospel of your salvation)--when you believed in Christ--you were marked with the seal of the promised Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13).

• Because of God’s mercy and love, I have been made alive with Christ.  But God, being rich in mercy, because of his great love with which he loved us, even though we were dead in transgressions, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you are saved (Ephesians 2:4-5)!

• I am seated in the heavenly places with Christ.  … And he raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus … (Ephesians 2:6).

• I am God’s workmanship created to produce good works.  For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works that God prepared beforehand so we may do them (Ephesians 2:10).

• I have been brought near to God by the blood of Christ.  But now in Christ Jesus you who used to be far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ (Ephesians 2:13).

• I am a member of Christ’s body and a partaker of His promise.  … The Gentiles are fellow heirs, fellow members of the body, and fellow partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 3:6). (See also Ephesians 5:30.)

• I have boldness and confident access to God through faith in Christ.  … In whom we have boldness and confident access to God because of Christ's faithfulness (Ephesians 3:12).

• My new self is righteous and holy.  … Put on the new man who has been created in God's image--in righteousness and holiness that comes from truth (Ephesians 4:24).

• I was formerly darkness, but now I am light in the Lord.  … For you were at one time darkness, but now you are/netbible2/index.php?header=&book=eph&chapter=5light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light (Ephesians 5:8).

• I am a citizen of heaven.  But our citizenship is in heaven--and we also await a savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ … (Philippians 3:20).

• The peace of God guards my heart and mind.  And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7).

• God supplies all my needs.  And my God will supply your every need according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).

• I have been made complete in Christ.  … You have been filled in him, who is the head over every ruler and authority (Colossians 2:10).

• I have been raised up with Christ.  Therefore, if you have been raised with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God (Colossians 3:1).

• My life is hidden with Christ in God.  … For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3).

• Christ is my life, and I will be revealed with Him in glory.  When Christ (who is your life) appears, then you too will be revealed in glory with him (Colossians 3:4).

• I have been chosen of God, and I am holy and beloved.  Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with a heart of mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience … (Colossians 3:12).

• God loves me and has chosen me.  We know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you … (1 Thessalonians 1:4).

How I Did This Week

Publix:
Before sales and coupons: $54
My cost: $14.48
Savings: $39.52

Bi-Lo:
Before sales and coupons: $103.85
My cost: $58.93
Savings: $44.92

Ingles: (and this included beer and pizza, so my savings ratio would've been better had I not splurged a bit!)
Before sales and coupons: $47.96
My cost: $35.45
Savings: $12.51

Total:
Before sales and coupons: $205.81
My cost: $108.86
Savings: $96.95

I'd like to add that this is only my second week playing this "coupon game."  I've put in probably about 3 hours this last week to prepare and then some time racing around from store to store.  I have not tackled the drugstore deals yet... I am a little intimidated by all their different rules and cards and such.  But I'll get brave here in the next week or so and jump on that one too and see how much more I can save.  It has been exhilarating to fill my cart up (something I haven't been able to do in awhile) and get to the checkout and have money left over.  I am actually starting to build a small stockpile of key products, which I have not been able to do in years... I have been so used to shopping week to week for the exact items in the exact quantity that we'll be needing that week... It's strange to know that I have extra olive oil, paper towels, spaghetti sauce and pasta... just sitting there in the cabinet... crazy!  This southernsavers.com site (and the time and effort I have put into it) has eased some tension around here lately and I am so so grateful for that.  I even had a really nice comment from my husband which included a verse or two from the dreaded Proverbs 31 (you know ladies, the woman we love to hate!).  Anyway.  I feel good.  *SMILE*

Finding Myself.

I am praying something scary.  I have asked God to give me more opportunity to serve others... more opportunity for self-sacrifice.  I know what happens when you pray for this kind of stuff... He answers it with a "yes" because that's who He is.  But I can't be content to just stay.  I need to stretch.  I need to keep growing.

I read this passage this morning:

Matthew 16
^24-26Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?

I am not really a follower kind of person.  I think my initial shyness sometimes gives the wrong impression.  I can be a fierce competitor and a strong leader.  But I try and push that down a lot of times, because it doesn't always bring out the best in me.  I know I can't go wrong if I lead the way Jesus did though.  As one who serves.  I know I can lead that way and not misrepresent Him.  So that's why the scary prayer this morning!

What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff?

Read this this morning... Great article...

What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff?

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Faithful.

Faithful ~ Enter the Worship Circle


I WANT TO SING YOU A LOVE SONG, YOU ARE THE THIEF OF MY HEART
RHYTHM AND RHYME TRY TO DESCRIBE IT
NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY...I CAN'T HIDE IT

FAITHFUL, YOU ARE FAITHFUL
I HAVE FOUND NOTHING BUT GOOD IN YOUR HEART
LOVING, YOU ARE LOVING
I AM IN LOVE WITH THE WAY THAT YOU ARE
THANKFUL, I AM THANKFUL
I HAD BEEN RUNNING AWAY ON MY OWN
AND THEN YOU FOUND ME, OH HOW YOU LOVE ME
I KNOW YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE, LEAVE ME ALONE

I WANT TO SING YOU A LOVE SONG, FOR YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
RHYTHM AND RHYME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT
NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, I CAN'T CONTAIN IT

Great song... That's what I'm choosing to focus on today... That's enough.

Your grace is enough.

  2 Corinthians (Amplified)
 ⁹But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and ^[b]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may ^[c]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
    ¹⁰So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [^[d]in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful ^[e]in divine strength).


I do not share Paul's thankfulness for infirmity.  I don't.  I have a really really difficult time seeing through sickness.  But I really really want to.  I'm not even sure what that would look like.    But if God says His grace is enough, then I guess it must be enough.  I suppose my prayer ought to be that my heart change so I can see it through His eyes.  If His strength and power are evident through my weakness... ultimately it's worth it.  I just wish I could understand.

A Far Better Way.

I was reading 1 Corinthians 13 the other day.  I don't know about you, but I have a tendency to go autopilot with passages like "the love chapter."  Now I can't quote the whole thing verbatim or anything, but I could at least come close.  I've read/heard it a few times!  But since I committed to reading The Message Bible a couple years ago (to keep me focused on the point, and not taken away with the details) I think this was the first time I've really spent any time in this passage. And it really got me thinking.  Paul leads into this chapter with, "But now I want to lay out a far better way for you."  What he has just finished talking about is how before our life in Christ began, we lived separately and dependent only on ourselves, but that the life of The Church was to be found in the putting of all the parts together to make one body, the Body of Jesus, His expression on Earth, a full picture of who He is.  So Paul is saying rather than competing to be the best part, here is a far better way...

He goes on to talk about love.  Here is a chunk of that:

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.  

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.


He wraps up the whole passage and leads into the next chapter with the words:
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation:  Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.  And the best of the three is love.  Go after a life of love as if your life depended on it---because it does.


I noticed something this weekend.  It is precisely when I do not exhibit these love traits that God says, "Here, let me show you how it's done..."  When I have decided in my heart not to "put up with anything" or to "give up" or to "look back..."  That's when He reminds me what "extravagant love" is.  And that's when I realize once again that I have no chance of really fleshing out that kind of love without "trusting steadily in God" and "hoping unswervingly."  It's really just ridiculously amazing and wonderfully impossible the dependence that our Father calls for from us... on each other and on Him.  It just can't be done.  And yet it is.  I think that must be one of those things "so supernatural in and through us that only He can get the credit."(something I've been praying every day for months now for Hub City).

So here's the challenge.  Try it once.  Love somebody extravagantly this week.  And do it with trust and hope foremost in your mind, even when it doesn't make sense.  Your life actually depends on it.  It's an addiction you'll never regret.  Not when you realize you can never outdo your Father's love for you.

Stuff Christians Like

I thought this was one of the most hilarious things I have read in a long time.  Really fun website.  I also liked "Raising Dorks" and "The Prayer Sneak Attack."

#269. Understanding how metrosexual your worship leader is. (A handy guide)

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Things that make you go "Hmmm..."

Man this is good.

“ The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship. Christian scholarship is the Church’s prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? ” - Søren Kierkegaard

Living the Story

I read this excerpt this morning and was just floored.

"No one will come to know Christianity's particular God, or will want to know that God, without the vital and promising life-witness of the community called church. For if we expect the Christian story to bear any persuasive potency, then 'at the very least, that story must have the power to take hold of our life and sustain it, and even possibly transform it. . . And if those who espouse a particular master story nevertheless show themselves unwilling or unable to follow it. . .with fidelity, why should anybody else take their story seriously?' " Rodney Capp, A Peculiar People: The Church in a Post-Christian Society (IVP, Downers grove, Ill., 1996, p. 183, citing Michael Goldberg, Jews and Christians, Getting Our Stories Straight (Nashville: Abingdon , 1985), p. 222

 I apologize ahead of time, but I have to have a little rant.  I had a dream the other night that is still really bugging me.  It involved a couple leaving the church because "it just wasn't for them."  In the dream, I was SO MAD.  Here's why...  And I can say this because I have been the offender in this way in the past.   I get so tired of people picking up and leaving churches because they're not being fed, or it's just not my thing, or this little point of theology or the music's too loud or not loud enough or I don't like the color of the carpet... If you are within a body of believers where there is any chance of Christian family happening... and maybe even if there is not... How are you participating?  Listen, I've been there.  I have had such high expectations of the clergy (you know, the people being paid to entertain "us") and then I've turned right around and been pissed off that there is such a distinction there, between them and us.


Look, nobody is responsible for what you "get" out of "church" besides YOU.  Are you LIVING the story?  This is what determines if the rest of the world "gets it."  Don't you think that's pretty important?  Do you even know the story you're supposed to be living?  So much of how we live as Christians is based on stuff we've heard through the grapevine, or always known about Christianity, or well we were raised that way... Get out your Bible... Read about how the disciples lived out the story... Read about how the church lived together, ate together, supported each other, prayed together... and not just Sunday morning!  This was a new way of life they had entered into.  And guess what.  This is also what drew people to them.  And then think about how different from that we live as "Christians" today.  You can't just wait for someone to hand you "religion" on a plate.  You can't just "go to church," fill up and then be on your way til the next week.  Each person has to devote themselves, make an effort to live out the story.  That's what makes us credible.


Get this... That's what makes the message of Jesus credible... And maybe this sounds mean or harsh or whatever, but seriously... Do you ever wonder why we are not credible... not relevant to our culture?  Do you ever wonder why Jesus is no longer relevant?  Hear me out before you get the stake and the torches.  How do the people around us see Jesus?  That's right.  Us.  Not our pastor, not our doctrine, definitely not the carpet in the fellowship hall.  You can't just "find the right church."  You have to BE the right church.  You.  Examine your life.  How are you living?  And not just you know, how many good things have you done during the week or even how many times you read your Bible.  How are you living with the rest of The Body?  Are you participating?  Are you living the life of Jesus so that the world has an accurate representation of who He is?  That's a corporate thing.  The whole church, all the parts together.  Don't hold your part back and cripple the church.  If we show the world the whole story, they will want to meet the Author.  Wouldn't you?

Pick up the toy. Pick up the toy. Pick up the toy. Pick up the toy.

If you are a parent, your blood pressure is probably high just from reading the title to this blog post.  You've been there.  The kid makes a mess and stands by, hands on hips, mouth firmly set in determination... unmoving... willful... If the hellion weren't so darned cute (obviously YOUR half of the genetics), you would have sold him to the gypsies long ago.  But here you are-- big, tall, strong (at least in comparison to this little rugrat)-- and it's your job to calmly and stoically repeat yourself ad nauseum until he realizes you're not backing down.

All this to say, Crap I'm that kid so much of the time.  I'm just glad that God does His job better than I do mine, because if I were God, Jaimee would definitely be a crispy critter by now.  I'm thinking it would be best to learn that "first time obedience" that I've read so much about but have a hard time enforcing... I definitely don't want God to start counting!  How about you?  Are you listening?

Psalm 119
^57-64 Because you have satisfied me, God, I promise
      to do everything you say.
   I beg you from the bottom of my heart: smile,
      be gracious to me just as you promised.
   When I took a long, careful look at your ways,
      I got my feet back on the trail you blazed.
   I was up at once, didn't drag my feet,
      was quick to follow your orders.
   The wicked hemmed me in—there was no way out—
      but not for a minute did I forget your plan for me.
   I get up in the middle of the night to thank you;
      your decisions are so right, so true—I can't wait till morning!
   I'm a friend and companion of all who fear you,
      of those committed to living by your rules.
   Your love, God, fills the earth!
      Train me to live by your counsel.

Interesting article

Click here to read the article.


An article on the differences between organizational and organic church.  I found it fascinating.  I could write a lot, but I'm not going to.  


E.T.A.  I started thinking about the myriad of ways me posting this article could be taken...  So.  (1) Super glad there is a sort of renegade house church movement happening.  I think it's crucial that there are people out there willing to be radically different than the Christian status quo.  Sometimes when a system is corrupt, it takes the polar opposite to bring moderation. (2) I think our church, Hub City, doesn't fully qualify for either category.  I think it could be called an Organized Organism.  While I am mildly jealous of the "revolution" of the house church movement... I am more challenged where I am, and am almost hilariously ok with the organized part of the organism.  (3) I just really enjoyed the article.  I have lots of different thoughts about it, but this little blurb should clear up any thoughts of evil intent : )

Flat and Plain.

I was reading in 1 Corinthians 5 yesterday and came across this passage:

Our true identity is flat and plain, not puffed up with the wrong kind of ingredient.  The Messiah, our Passover Lamb, has already been sacrificed for the Passover meal, and we are the Unraised Bread part of the Feast.  So let's live out our part in the Feast, not as raised bread swollen with the yeast of evil, but as flat bread---simple, genuine, unpretentious.

I know "flat" and "plain" may not sound incredibly appealing.  But I think of it this way... food that is largely untouched by people... not messed with, processed, stripped, enriched... whatever... "whole food"... is some of the best food because it just is what it is.  I think when our attitude as a church is simple, genuine and unpretentious... flat and plain in a way!... people notice... as with food, simple and honest are refreshing characteristics.  It's sad, but I think that kind of real-ness is rare amongst "church people."  Just got me thinking that's all.

On Purpose for a Purpose?

Galatians 3:11
The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him.  Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you.

Help me to recognize Your arrangements.  I don't want to miss an opportunity.

What's up with me anyway?

So.  No, it's not "Weird Illness Awareness Month" or anything.  However, having just gotten over/getting over one of my bizarre "spells," I thought I'd take a moment to explain.

I hate saying I have migraines.  Please do not tell me to take a tylenol!  It could be hazardous to your health!  (Not the tylenol, but my reaction to that statement).  My head does not hurt.  And the only thing that helps sometimes is 3-4 glasses of wine (which probably just makes me not care) and a good night's rest, and quiet, which is in short supply around my house!

It starts with a virus or infection... a cold, flu, sinus infection... Shortly after contracting said virus, depression hits.  At this point I have no idea an "episode" is coming.  Why?  I'm just not that bright apparently!  So if you ask me what's wrong, I don't know.... I'm just down, moody, and annoyed (particularly if you have a loud voice and don't respect my "space")  Along with the depression comes sensitivity to sound, i.e. 4 really really loud children talking over each other and making demands, etc.  This all usually lasts about a week.  OH, and I usually will find myself running into things during that time as well... Door frames in particular, dropping things more frequently, making stupid mistakes, forgetting things, feeling confused... So during that week, not only am I overly sensitive, taking things personally and annoyed by lots of things that wouldn't ordinarily annoy me, I am also a hare brained idiot!  I also may find it difficult to make a fist with my left hand during this time or I may drag my left foot a bit.  This, I instantly push to the back of my mind though, because I am in denial.  I may even slur my speech.  No, I'm not inebriated (unless I've just had those 3-4 glasses of wine!)  These can all be symptoms of a very special type of migraine.  Usually after about a week or so, I start feeling like I need to make the noise of everybody stop... because of the red hot pokers that have been inserted into my ear canals.  My ears feel hot and painful, like I have a sunburn from the inside out.  Sometimes I have horrible vertigo spells and might have to take meds to stop the spinning and vomiting... fun times!  Also at this point, I may lose all or some use of my left arm and leg.  Or I may have extreme unrelenting pain in my arms like I am lifting a heavy weight and can't put it down.  This doesn't happen so often anymore, which is great, but when it does, it is extremely scary.  I can look like I've had a stroke and have a hard time talking or making sense.  In recent months, I have also begun breaking out in boil-like blisters on my legs and back with some of these "episodes."  They seem similar to shingles and have gotten infected before and leave nasty scars.  I've had gall bladder attacks along with these episodes as well.

I'm not trying to whine.  But when someone asks how I'm doing, this is not the response I want to give.  This is not the response they want to hear.  I can't say "I'm not feeling good, I have a migraine."  See the difference?  And whatever you do, to preserve your safety... do not tell me to go to the doctor.  Preventive migraine meds make this worse for some reason.  And psychotropic drugs treat mental disorders, not this odd conglomeration of symptoms.  I've been to ENTs and neurologists.  I'm done with that.  So if I say I'm not feeling well, or that I'm having "health problems," please just tell me you'll pray for me and then do it, and understand that I'm not just whining about having a headache or feeling sad or neurotic.

I know everything doesn't happen "for a reason."  I live in a fallen world and something happened to screw up my genetics, and somewhere along the road I picked up a virus that likes to periodically reactivate and cause me grief.  God didn't give this to me, but He's definitely big enough to use it because I love and obey Him and am called according to His purpose.  So that's cool and a relief and worth it in the end.

Come to Dinner.

I was reading in Mark 14 today, where Jesus and the 12 were eating the Passover together.  Jesus gives them each bread from the loaf, telling them that it was His body.  Then he passes the cup around and they all drink from it, His blood and the beginning of a New Way of Life.

I've read this passage many many times before.  In most churches you hear it every time communion is celebrated.  I don't know... Today the "community" aspect of it just hit me.  I had a dream a long time ago about "communion" and so this sort of resonated with me (I wish I could just "attach" the dream so you could click on it if you want but not be overwhelmed by it, but alas no... or I just don't know how to do it)

Anyway, I just think it's so neat how we are really all dependent on the same food and drink for life... or we should be rather.  I think it's interesting how "communion" celebrated in churches is a very independent, solitary, reflective thing.  I'm not saying that's bad, but it is strange how much focus we put on the individual's response to God, often overlooking our interdependence on each other...  There is something about eating a meal together (like the disciples did at Passover) that puts us all on the same playing field.  We all need food/drink to survive.  We all need Jesus as our sustenance.  It's good to remember that we are all creation.  That we all come back to the same fountain, that we all NEED.  I don't really have the words to describe my feelings on the whole deal... but it's something I think about a lot and I think there are some very real, deliberate things we can do to put our perspectives right... but I'll save that for another time!

You're not really my friend until you've put your feet under my table.-- a saying

Always see your visitor as hungry, lonely, and tired.-- Navajo saying


E.T.A:  More than this:  "often overlooking our interdependence on each other," our equal station to each other... people in need, before God, the only One who gives us real LIFE, movement and breath, not only as individuals, but more importantly and to His glory, as His Body, The Church.