Thwarted Again!

Have you ever noticed how some of our most "profound" thoughts that just explain everything, would bring world peace, or even just make our lives a whole lot easier...  are often in direct contradiction to God's Word?  I have experienced time and time again that some of "my best thoughts" are shot down immediately by the turn of a page (probably why it's so important to be reading our Bibles consistently), leaving me feeling first like a gi-normous idiot, and then almost instantly grateful that it's God in charge and not me!

So I had been thinking that loving people is just probably not that good of an idea.  I dunno... It really just causes all kinds of unpleasantness...  increases vulnerability (enabling one to be hurt), accountability (again, enabling one to be hurt), also increases the likelihood of one being hurt.  Yes, I do realize there is a sort of underlying foundation to my genius line of thought...  I guess I was thinking that if I could just manage to not care, to be one of those magnificently stoic individuals who is just super calm, cool and collected... always objective and rational...  There would be no way of getting hurt right?  What a fabulous idea!  Why didn't God think of that, right?

I came across this passage.  And I know it's a popular one and we have a tendency to just fly through it, conjuring up feelings of fluffy clouds and fuzzy bunnies.  But seriously just take a minute or two to read it and let it sink in.

1 Corinthians 13

The Way of Love

 ¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. ²If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. ^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. 

   Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end. ^8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
 ¹¹When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
 ¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
 ¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Yeah...  I'm not doing so awesomely at some of those...  I really need to stay in His Word to make His thoughts my thoughts.  And I need to practice relying on the Holy Spirit instead of on my own understanding.  Obviously that's not working out too well for me.  It's a pretty much constant, day by day thing...  It's not like you just "get it" and then never have to try again.  Our brains are not naturally submissive to Wisdom (at least mine isn't!)  I am thankful for Grace today.  And that it's never too late to start over.  Glad that we have such a relational God.  And that He models for us that "extravagant love."

The Sound of Silence...

BOO!

BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!

lol. Sorry. Just had to break up the excruciating drone of silence present in the Holmes household this morning. I just dropped ALL FOUR of my children off at school this morning for the first time ever and the peacefulness is deafening!

It's funny... I cried like a baby to take the older three to school on their first days. I think because I could sense their nervousness and stress about the whole thing, the unknowns... They were hesitant and I empathized with them. I have always been awkward with new situations (other situations too, but more so the new ones : ) so I felt their pain.

Well Clayton just gave me a great day! He is my 3 year old. He has cried every single morning and thrown a fit in the parking lot of the school every day that I have taken his brother and sisters to school and not him. Every day, he would wake up, grab his backpack and stand at the door expecting to get to go to his "big class."

So today, I couldn't help cracking up instead of crying when he (without looking back) bounded excitedly into his classroom, took his little Elmo backpack off and started looking around, unafraid, for his cubby. I had to call him back for a kiss, otherwise I probably would have been the one crying and throwing a fit in the parking lot!

The whole situation got me thinking about how we are with God, and also with our churches and relationships... How am I when I am offered an opportunity, a chance to grow? I would like to think that I am more often excited and eager to see what lies on the other side of that new experience. But I know that I have also been resistant and fearful at times. I wonder how God feels to watch me pushing and fighting against what's best for me... and how happy He must be when I bound right into something, confident and brave and joyful, grateful for an opportunity.

I learned a lot from Clayton this morning.

Back to School?

So we've had an interesting week around the Holmes house this week. Our three oldest started back to school (the littlest starts in a couple days), and we (the grown-up people) have been having some stimulating conversation.

I'm pretty sure the topic of college, particularly "going back to" college, came up at least 5 times with various people last week, one of them being the Terminix guy who I've only ever said "thank you for keeping our house a bug-free zone" to. Now I'm not saying Oh it's a sign! or anything creepy like that... but I have noticed that sometimes God can be persistent and loud about things when it comes to dealing with hard-headed people.... I dunno, just an observation.

So I brought the idea up somewhat cautiously, not expecting a super favorable response, but figured it was worth tossing around a bit. Well, Allen and I ended up doing some brainstorming and came up with a very workable, if not a bit unconventional, 5 year plan... in which the two of us will finish our bachelors degrees and be able to have decently paying jobs and pursue some things that we love.

I was 11 courses shy of my bachelor's in English when I got preggos with Cass and had such horrendous morning sickness that even the thought of my 8 o' clock class made me nauseous and had to drop out. I toyed with going back over the years, but alas, every time I would get serious about it another "special delivery" would come along and plans would be postponed.

So we've done some researching and found I could go to USC this next fall (2010-2011) and finish my bachelor's in secondary education English, in a little more than a year! Then, while I work full-time, Allen can stay part-time at Fed-Ex for the excellent benefits and go back to finish his degree... the details of which are not set in stone, but maybe Spanish teaching? or Engineering? It would take him 2-3 years, depending on what he decides to do.

It's kind of exhilarating to think that our lives could be so different within the next few years. And the benefits to the children, our family, would be so great. I would love to go on to teach writing or lit in a university at some point... and the deeply discounted/free education for the children that could go along with that could come in handy too! : )

I've never really been very sold on higher education as a rule... I am a huge fan of trades, especially when passed down within a family... and I think that people have a lot more to offer than the book knowledge acquired in college. I couldn't be prouder than if my children grew up to be revolutionaries, reformers, artists or poets... But see, there goes that insane side of me again... We have to be part of the culture we're in. And even revolutionaries have degrees nowadays...

Interesting stuff folks... I guess I don't see any reason why we couldn't do it, make it work... A bit of determination, some time and a relatively small investment overall... could totally change the course of our lives and our children's lives.

Caught doing something right!

As I was in the car line, waiting to pick up my three oldest from their 2nd day of school today, I saw something that just absolutely melted my heart. Calista, my normally very "feisty" 6 year old who often clashes with Christian, my 4 year old... was tenderly stroking Christian's head with one hand while holding his hand in her other hand... It was amazing. That totally never happens. I made up in my mind to tell her that I saw it all, but didn't remember until later when we were at the grocery. At Ingles, I stopped everybody and told her that I saw how sweet she had been to Christian and that I thought she was such a kind girl for taking care of her brother like that. She was surprised!

I dunno. I am THE LAST (notice the capitalization) person to claim to be a fabulous parent. Really. But I've been thinking a lot about how to get my kids to do more of the things I want them to do... not just chores and stuff like that, but to demonstrate character qualities and grow into the people that God has planned for them to be. And at that moment it just dawned on me... I hardly ever make purposeful notice of when they DO do something nice or sweet or loving or patient. I'm going to start looking for opportunities to do more praising.

So I have a challenge for anyone reading this. Notice when your kids do something that you want to encourage, and praise them publicly for it. Heck, notice when your brothers and sisters in Christ do something praiseworthy as well! What a great way to "spur one another on toward love and good deeds!" (Heb. 10:24)

One of "those" days

It's not that it's destined to be a "bad" day... It's just one of those days that I feel like I need to just scream really loud and long... to clear the air.

When my alarm went off, I realized the pressure in my head was building to migraine potential... 15 minutes later, Christian was up because he had wet the bed (today's his 2nd day of school), and within a few minutes everybody was up, needing things, wanting things, whining, fussing, being tired and cranky... Blah.

I think I have a problem with focusing.

Or I have too many interests.

I feel distracted by my own excitement... it's frustrating. I want to do everything. AND I want to do everything 100%... as far as I can tell, that's probably impossible. I think it's that the last time I had time in the day to accomplish things, I was so young the whole world was mine... I could do anything and the possibilities were endless... Problem is, I guess I still sorta think that way, and that's not very realistic.

It's funny. You would think Allen, Mr. ADHD, would be the impulsive one... but he is actually the one that keeps me from going off the deep end! It has been good to have him around... He tells me when my ideas are not possible according to the laws of physics or reminds me that Hey, we have 4 children AND we're entering mid-life... we have limitations... Who knew? Poor Allen... he has no choice but to be a cautious pessimist...

I need to learn how to prioritize. Let me add that to my unwritten list of things to do.

Getting Caught.

Psalm 18:16-24 (The Message)

But me he caught--- reached all the way

from sky to sea; he pulled me out

Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,

the void in which I was drowning.

They hit me when I was down,

but God stuck by me.

He stood me up on a wide-open field,

I stood there saved--- surprised to be loved!

God made my life complete

when I placed all the pieces before him.

When I got my act together,

he gave me a fresh start.

Now I'm alert to God's ways,

I don't take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways he works,

I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together,

and I'm watching my step.

God rewrote the text of my life

when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

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How can I possibly add anything to that?

I am so grateful.

I still can only barely believe that God saved me.

That he made a concentrated effort to specially orchestrate events, time, people... to bring me back in.

And that he is counting on me to bring glory to Him.

That is just beyond my comprehension.

But even so, how can I just sit on that?

Father show me how to give grace like you've given it to me.

Give me opportunities to exercise compassion.

Faith to treat people the way I would treat you if you were here and hurting and despised.

Make me brave.

Amen.

Forgiveness

It is so hard to ask a child to forgive you... I don't know why. I guess maybe it's because we are supposed to be more mature than them? Not make as many mistakes? We are supposed to exercise our authority over them, so we should always be right? lol... Yeah that's not working out so great for me!

I screwed up big time this morning and ended a breakfast battle with Calista with not a small amount of yelling and carrying on. It was ridiculous and I felt pretty much like dog poop on the bottom of a fat person's shoe after the fact. I asked God to forgive me right away, but it was more difficult for me to ask the kids. But when I did... they all kinda shrugged, like it was no big deal, and Calista said "I already did forgive you Mom."

WoW.

If only I could always forgive like that!

The Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness... like how we give up God's blessing of forgiveness if we refuse to forgive others... how forgiveness, rather than bitterness and resentment, incites gratitude and tenderness in those we forgive, how forgiveness (aka grace) is able to crush sin like the law never could...

What a huge task! I have forgiven some big things, some crushing hurts... but you know what? I have been forgiven MUCH MUCH MUCH more than anyone could ever offend me. I mean seriously, who am I? My overall crappiness helped put Jesus, you know the savior of the world, on the cross... If anything is unforgivable, I'd think that would be it.

I want to be known for being quick to forgive. Quick to show grace. Quick to be active in restoring relationships. I want people to know that that is who God is (multiplied by like a million or more). That He is the only reason I can be that way. And that he offers that same grace to everyone, in fact MORE forgiveness for more sin. You can't be too bad. Believe me, it's been attempted.

This is probably one of my favorite stories about forgiveness:

Luke 7 (The Message)

<sup>36-39</sup>One of the Pharisees asked him over for a meal. He went to the Pharisee's house and sat down at the dinner table. Just then a woman of the village, the town harlot, having learned that Jesus was a guest in the home of the Pharisee, came with a bottle of very expensive perfume and stood at his feet, weeping, raining tears on his feet. Letting down her hair, she dried his feet, kissed them, and anointed them with the perfume. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man was the prophet I thought he was, he would have known what kind of woman this is who is falling all over him."

<sup>40</sup>Jesus said to him, "Simon, I have something to tell you."

"Oh? Tell me."

<sup>41-42</sup>"Two men were in debt to a banker. One owed five hundred silver pieces, the other fifty. Neither of them could pay up, and so the banker canceled both debts. Which of the two would be more grateful?"

<sup>43-47</sup>Simon answered, "I suppose the one who was forgiven the most."

"That's right," said Jesus. Then turning to the woman, but speaking to Simon, he said, "Do you see this woman? I came to your home; you provided no water for my feet, but she rained tears on my feet and dried them with her hair. You gave me no greeting, but from the time I arrived she hasn't quit kissing my feet. You provided nothing for freshening up, but she has soothed my feet with perfume. Impressive, isn't it? She was forgiven many, many sins, and so she is very, very grateful. If the forgiveness is minimal, the gratitude is minimal."

<sup>48</sup>Then he spoke to her: "I forgive your sins."

<sup>49</sup>That set the dinner guests talking behind his back: "Who does he think he is, forgiving sins!"

<sup>50</sup>He ignored them and said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you. Go in peace."

I want to be like that woman.

Fine!

Oh bother.

So dropped my girls off for their first day of school this morning.

Cried like a blubbering idiot.

Argh. I don't even want to think about how I'm going to be when I take our 4 year old for his first day on Thursday and our 3 year old next Wednesday.

I guess it just hit me how different this year is going to be than any other year thus far. I'm a bit overwhelmed to think of it. I feel like everything is changing and there is nothing I can do about it. Actually it's not that I don't want the changes... In fact, this is going to be the best year of my marriage, family, church, lots of things... New beginnings and new challenges... And I like challenges. But they make me uncomfortable. I don't know... I guess I'm at that in between state of feeling that although I want the positive changes, maybe it's not so bad right where I am... Maybe things could just stay the same and I could forgo the growing pains for awhile. But then again, I'm not real comfortable with apathy either...

so, Oh bother.

The Soloist

I've written about books (they are my weakness) and I've even written about TV shows (Big Balls and Japanese Game Shows)... but I've never written about a movie before.

This past weekend, Allen and I watched The Soloist, starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jamie Foxx. Let me just say this: You HAVE to see this movie! I was so touched by Jamie Foxx's portrayal of Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, a homeless schizophrenic with a genius talent for music. The movie is based on a book which is a true story. I wish that it had been available while we were doing our "God at the Movies" series at Hub City Church... I think we could have generated some real interest in the community.

I wish I could write a lot more on the topic of homelessness. I am a super sensitive person and add to that that I absolutely hate despise and loathe seeing anyone go hungry (I love to feed people!)... I have a really hard time putting my feelings about homelessness and hunger into words.

Just go rent the movie. They have it at the redbox. $1. It's worth your time and money.

Also check out this link: (like go ahead and go there right now!)

TakePart

I'm going to be doing some research on the matter, but if you live here in Spartanburg, SC and you know of some way I can personally get involved in feeding or caring for the homeless or hungry (especially if it's something I can either A)do with my young kids or B)do early in the day when the kids are at school... I really want to help.

Tenderness

I know I said I was banning non-fiction for a time... but I can't help myself. I think I'm addicted!

Here is an excerpt I read yesterday from Brennan Manning's Abba's Child:

Tenderness awakens within the security of knowing we are thoroughly and sincerely liked by someone. The mere presence of that special someone in a crowded room brings an inward sigh of relief and a strong sense of feeling safe. The experience of a warm, caring, affective presence banishes our fears. The defense mechanisms of the impostor-- sarcasm, name-dropping, self-righteousness, the need to impress others-- fall away. We become more open, real, vulnerable, and affectionate. We grow tender.

Years ago, I related a story about a priest from Detroit named Edward Farrell who went on his two-week summer vacation to Ireland. His one living uncle was about to celebrate his eightieth birthday. On the great day, the priest and his uncle got up before dawn and dressed in silence. They took a walk along the shores of Lake Killarney and stopped to watch the sunrise. Standing side by side with not a word exchanged and starting straight at the rising sun. Suddenly the uncle turned and went skipping down the road. He was radiant, beaming, smiling from ear to ear.

His nephew said, "Uncle Seamus, you really look happy."

"I am, lad."

"Want to tell me why?"

His eighty-year-old uncle replied, "Yes, you see, me Abba is very fond of me."

How would you respond if I asked you this question: "Do you honestly believe God likes you, not just loves you because theologically God has to love you?" If you could answer with gut-level honesty, "Oh yes, my Abba is very fond of me," you would experience a serene compassion for yourself that approximates the meaning of tenderness.

"Can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion [tenderness] on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you" (Isaiah 49:15).

Scripture suggests that the essence of the divine nature is compassion and that the heart of God is defined by tenderness. "By the tender mercy [compassion] of our God who from on high will bring the rising sun to visit us, to give light to those who live in darkness and the shadow of death, and to guide our feet into the way of peace" (Luke 1:78-79) Richard Foster wrote, "His heart is the most sensitive and tender of all. No act goes unnoticed, no matter how insignificant or small. A cup of cold water is enough to put tears in the eyes of God. Like the proud mother who is thrilled to receive a bouquet of wilted dandelions from her child, so God celebrates our feeble expressions of gratitude."

I do believe God likes me. And it blows me away. I mean, I am amazed a lot of times that people like me, so the concept of God, who knows every part of me, all my selfish attitudes and critical thinking... liking me... being fond of me... It's just unfathomable. I can't tell you how thankful and just in awe of that I am.

So how about you? Do you feel especially liked by your Father? Do you feel open and vulnerable... tender around Him and the rest of His kids?

Big Balls and Japanese Game Shows

Oh ok... not really! But it got you to look right? LoL

I do really love those silly game shows though... they really make me laugh.

I noticed something while watching the "I Survived A Japanese Game Show" last night that I thought was kind of neat. It was just a little something, but pretty nifty nonetheless.

They were doing this final challenge where the contestants had to go through the streets of Japan getting people to do silly things... they had to complete each challenge before going on to the next and then run to the finish line. At one point, the lady who was in the lead (can't remember her name) finished her last challenge and began running... You could hear the game show people (the announcer and production people) yelling, "Who's got [whatever her name]? Who's watching her? Who's got her in his sight?"

I dunno. I know it's just a dumb game show. But it reminded me of God and it reminded me of the church. Especially our discipleship process at Hub City Church... For instance, I know without a doubt there are people "watching" me... (does that sound creepy?) Making sure I finish my challenges and run the right direction toward the finish line. I had a conversation today with someone who I have in my sight... somebody I care about and am not going to let fall through the cracks... And that silly game show just popped into my head! I just thought that was a neat parallel... and God and our church family care a lot more about our challenges and what direction we are traveling in than the team on Majide!

Good night. And big balls.

If you have no idea what I am talking about, watch WipeOut on Wednesday night... man that show cracks me up!

An Unfortunate Review.

Of a book I really really don't want to read.

I was super excited to get Warren Cole Smith's new book A Lover's Quarrel With the Evangelical Church. I cannot, however, bring myself to read it in it's entirety, so forgive the sad, half-hearted review.

From the title, I assumed (and you know what "they" say that means!) that it would be a book written from a "lover's" perspective. Like I said, I did not read the book in it's entirety, so I could be wrong based on later chapters... but the part that I did read read more like a "christianized" tabloid. I actually feel a bit guilty for reading as much as I did about some of the failings (perceived or actual) of Christians listed quite prolifically in the early chapters of the book. I apologize to the author if I am giving an inaccurate account of the overall heart of the writing... The style and especially the content of the beginning is not something I am comfortable reading.

For those who may be interested in learning more about the book, you can go to this site, which belongs to the author.

Reluctantly,

Jaimee