Free. Who, me?

I wasn't sure I was going to blog about this.  And truthfully, it will just be a little blurb.  The other day on Facebook, there was a status floating around which asked for 1 word to describe the person.  I succumbed in a moment of weakness and went ahead and copied/pasted the darned thing.  I got some interesting responses.  Most were nice, a few were even true by the grace of God.  But the one that has really stuck with me is the word Free.  I believe that about me.  And it's something I never could have done for myself.  I'm grateful for that.  And I hope it makes God happy to see me (an unlikely candidate) characterized in that way.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Get over yourself.

I don't think much about matters of theology anymore.  I used to love to work out the details and get into fiery debates.  The thrill of "proving my point" behind the guise of "proving God's point" was so exciting and the power of persuasion has always fascinated me.

I guess I'm just not interested.  I read three articles this week that made me cringe, all by people I at one time held in high esteem.  One was on the validity (or not) of the clergy/laity divide, another on child training and yet another (and boy was this titillating) on the authority of the KJV Bible.  Eeek.  I don't know.  I just can't go there anymore.  Maybe we need people who concentrate on the finer details of things?  I'm not so sure though.

I wonder what The Church would look like if we all just kept our eyes on Jesus and lived a life of serving each other and the world around us.  I think maybe all those little points of contention which just seem to escalate into huge matters of importance are just dividing, distracting and discouraging us as a whole.  It's shameful really.  Sometimes I wonder how it all got so messed up.  So far away from the only important thing.  JESUS.  If we could all just get over ourselves.


Colossians 3:14-16 (Amplified Bible)

¹⁴And above all these [put on] love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness [which binds everything together completely in ideal harmony].
    ¹⁵And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ's] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always].
    ¹⁶Let the word [spoken by] Christ (the Messiah) have its home [in your hearts and minds] and dwell in you in [all its] richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom [in spiritual things, and as you sing] psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, making melody to God with [His] grace in your hearts.

How May I Help You?

I'm reading this book...  I hesitate to mention the title, and truthfully, it's really not "my thing."  I don't usually like reading female authors, and this one so far... is kinda "tupperware" for me...  But I don't want to plagiarize so I guess I'll tell you what it's called.  It is called Is That All He Thinks About? by Marla Taviano.  It was given to me.  I am reading it and gleaning for good info.

That said, I read something yesterday that goes along with some stuff I've been thinking about lately... not so much related to the topic of the book.  Here is an excerpt:

At this point we could ask, "Who's going to look out for me if I don't?  I don't want to lose my identity by constantly serving someone else.  I am my own person, after all."

Well, Paul seems to think that we can't truly come into our own until we die to ourselves and find our identity somewhere else---namely in Christ.  Galatians 2 makes this crystal-clear.

It's inexplicable, but who we are becomes even more individual, real, and beautiful when we deny our own desires and serve others.  The world has it backward---putting someone else's needs before your own means you're strong, not weak.

 "It's inexplicable, but who we are becomes even more individual, real, and beautiful when we deny our own desires and serve others."  I love this.  This is precisely what I am wrestling with, but hearing God on.  I think this applies to all of us, men and women... in our marriages, families, churches and communities.  A mystery, but True.

I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.

I don't know about you.  But being told to be still is one of the hardest things for me.  I actually like change.  I like action.  I like to always feel like I'm moving forward... toward excitement, toward progress, toward... I dunno... anything really!

When my husband asked me to marry him, I responded with "Of course!  What are your plans for tomorrow?"  Three years later, no thanks to my many many failed attempts at harassment, we finally tied the knot in a fairly traditional, family-approved wedding.  It was great, don't get me wrong.  I was married at the end of the day!  But I would have liked to have gotten married the day after the proposal, taken a year off school and traveled across the country, guitars in hand... poor and in love... sigh.

Waiting is not something I do very gracefully.  I want to be patient, calm, cool and collected... I really do.  But truthfully, I haven't ever put a lot of effort into really attempting it.  I guess it's about time.

I think maybe a curse of being a "creative" person is that you always want things to be exciting.  I mean, people don't write books or sing songs about doing laundry, dishes, sweeping the floor and then sitting in car-line for 30 minutes every afternoon.  Maybe they do, but I certainly wouldn't buy a book or listen to a song like that!

I think I need to start seeing the things God sees as big deals, as big deals.  I think God sees training my kids as a really big deal.  I think He sees taking care of my house and supporting my husband as really big deals.  I think I've known all along what He's wanted me to do and I've been ignoring Him... hoping for something more fun, more exciting, easier, or just more immediately rewarding.  I've been really dumb.  I haven't listened.  In fact, I haven't even asked "the question" directly, because I already knew the answer and didn't want the responsibility.

It's not going to be easy, but things are going to change.

Proverbs 9:10 (Amplified Bible)

¹⁰The reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord is the beginning (the chief and choice part) of Wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight and understanding.

Ain't Got Nothin'

I don't understand how I can feel so in the right place.  And at the same time feel like I'm missing something huge.  It seems like I'm supposed to be doing something and I have no idea what that something is.  If this is some sort of crossroads and I have to turn one way or the other... that's great, but I have no idea what I'm turning toward in either direction.  Can I get a burning bush or an angel to wrestle with or something?

Ants and Broken Bones and Favor...

I may write a book about ants.  Which is utterly ridiculous, seeing as how I have virtually no knowledge whatsoever of the creatures.  Other than if I find them in my house I spray them with whatever sort of spray I have on hand... vinegar, windex, oven cleaner... I don't care, as long as whatever it is obliterates or at least slows down the creepy critters.  So why would I write about ants?  Funny you should ask.  I had this "thing" happen yesterday.  I won't call it a vision, 'cause as badly as I need a vacation, I really don't want to spend any amount of time in the place with the men in their clean white coats... But it was definitely something that was just kind of THUNK... placed in my brain.  And it had me wondering about ants.  But I'll have to work through it a bit, see if I can make any sense of it.

So enough about ants.

But there was this other thing too.  About broken bones.  I really hate cliches...  you know those annoying phrases that "they" (who are these oddballs anyway?) use to shut you up when something is bothering you, and by the time you sit there trying to figure out what the platitude actually means, enough time has been afforded for the speaker to escape unnoticed?  Yeah, so anyway, I really hate cliches.

So I'm not really sure why this one hit me yesterday.  And I haven't even really gotten to what I want to talk about, because I'm so concerned that people will think I am one of "those people" for using the cliche in the first place.  All this to say, I am emphatically NOT one of "those people" ok?  I don't know why I'm thinking about broken bones.  I believe God is talking to me about broken bones (ah yes, and now with the men in their clean white coats again...) but you can be the judge of that I suppose.  So here goes:

I have always heard that when a bone breaks, whatever occurs during the healing process (and I only took A&P I and II, and was in so much shock over the sexual health chapter that the rest of the quarter was lost on me, so don't hold me accountable for any real medical information) makes the bone stronger. And this elicits in my mind, the voices of "those people" saying things like, "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  And this is supposed to make us feel better.  And as the freaks sneak out the side door we are thinking, "Hmmm... that time I fell off the top bunk and cracked my head open... no it didn't kill me... but I've had this weird tick ever since..." and wondering how this information is supposed to help us feel better after our jerk boyfriend/girlfriend just broke our heart when it can't even be applied in a shallow physiological way.

So here I am again trying to convince you I am not one of "those people" when I really am just trying to avoid getting personal.

People are messy.  There are things about us that just don't make sense.  There are these "broken" places, things, whatever... within us that just don't work the way they're supposed to.  It happens on an individual level and it happens within relationships and churches and institutions and places of business.  Anywhere there are people this brokenness can happen.  And when my brokenness and your brokenness come in contact with each other, the whole broken factor is just compounded.  It's a mess.

A good example of this is what happens in marriage.  2 messed up people.  Especially if they've not dealt with their own messes.  It's a disaster.  But it's true what "they" say in this instance.  It is possible to come out on the other side stronger.  My husband and I have been through some shit.  I don't know how else to put it really.  Just some really horrible stuff that nobody should have to go through.  I cannot count the times I thought the only way to fix things was to get a divorce.  Seriously.  And that's some of my brokenness showing through.  But in that moment... the pain makes me think of when you break a bone and the doctor goes to set it... and you think in that moment... I. Am. Going. To. Die.  But then there's this relief.  Like, Ok, at least things are back on track.  That really really REALLY hurt, but I'm still alive and my bone isn't poking through my skin anymore, so that's cool.  And then before you know it the cast is off and the memory of that pain is mostly gone (until I write about it and you get that tingly nervy reminder all over) and you're tempted to jump off the top bunk again to see if your skills have improved any since the last time you nearly killed yourself.  Marriage can be like that.  Those scars serve as powerful reminders of where we've been and where we do not want to go.  But there is also a strength there.  A Wow, all we did was set up the bone, but God did this amazing wondrous healing of the human body thing that only He can do.  I'm not sure, but I think this is called "favor."  I've been reading a bit about it and while there seem to be varying opinions out there on the matter, favor appears to be an unwarranted kindness,  preferential treatment, or something God can do for you that you can't do yourself.  I like all three of those definitions.

When I was a teen, I had an eating disorder.  I exercised several hours a day and kept my calories under 300 calories.  It was terrible.  I was about 100 pounds, but when I looked in the mirror I *actually* looked fat.  Really, I can't explain it.  (Again with the men in their clean white coats, I know, I know...)  I mean when you are a size 0, your eyes should see and register to your brain *skinny* but mine didn't.  Something was broken.  Something wasn't right with me.  I'm still not really sure what exactly it was, though I have a hunch it's fixed now 'cause I ate two pieces of cake the other day and it was super tasty.  I did halfheartedly joke about applying for The Biggest Loser, but I was seriously only kidding and I never count calories anymore and I believe my husband when he says I'm beautiful.  When I was in the midst of that terrible time, there was this lady I knew.  Her name was Sheila.  I babysat for her kids over the summertime.  I think I was 16 or 17 at the time.  One day when the kids were napping, I was snooping around and found this cassette tape.  It was like a teaching, a sermon or something about ministering to girls with eating disorders.  I listened to the whole thing and confessed what I was going through to the lady when she returned home that day.  She told me how beautiful I was.  What a special person I was.  How talented I was.  And then she wrote down a Bible verse reference.  Not the actual verse, just the reference.  And told me to go home and read it by myself and ask God what He had to say to me about that.  The verse was Joel 2:25.  I will never ever ever forget that verse.  "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten."  I don't know if you believe in prophecy.  I mean for today.  But that was about as prophetic as I had ever seen.  God has done that for me.  Sheila set the bone and God went about His work, all the intricate healing that had to take place to make that bone strong and straight.  Honestly I can't even really tell you what happened to make me better.  I just know it was a miracle.  And I really am stronger today because of where that brokenness has healed.

I know that is favor.  I don't deserve to be fixed.  I certainly couldn't fix it myself.  That was all God.  Only He can have the glory for the amazing ways He has turned my broken life around for good.  These things that happen to us to break us.  They don't destroy us like you'd think.  They build us up if we let them.  Like all the little calcium deposit-y things that pile up in a bone break to *I think* (again don't quote me on that) make the bone stronger.    This happens in each life and each relationship and each church and even obnoxious institutions like our government or GM could probably learn a thing or two by being open to relying on God's favor.  It's a trust thing.  It's a humbling, broken in a different way, realization of how big God is thing.  It's something you can't do for yourself, but something your Father longs to do for you if you will decide to depend on Him.  Scary, but true.

Fun

I know.  Dumb title for a blog post.  To tell you the truth, the post itself is not going to be much more exciting.

I was just thinking how thankful I am that we have a God who thinks it's cool to have fun.  To enjoy life.

We used to be part of this religious system that really was just... terrible.  Boring, no fun, formal and oppressive.  We weren't supposed to have fun.  Fun was frivolous.  A useless waste of time.  If you had extra time left in the day after reading your Bible and praying for several hours and you had already fed the homeless and sang hymns to some widows and preached the gospel in the streets... If you had extra time left over, there were always useful hobbies like making picnic tables or cabinets or for the women, baking or sewing...

I'm not saying those are bad ways to spend the time God's given you.  I'm just saying I love knowing that when I get my guitar out and wail some Bob Dylan at the top of my lungs in my empty house... I feel God smile.  It makes me happy that He takes pleasure in our enjoyment of life.  Not that there's not more to it than that, and obviously not that there isn't benefit to suffering or hard work.  I don't know.  I guess I am just thankful for the life He gave me, and I think being joyful and fun in ways that He made me particularly, is a compliment and a good way of saying thanks!

Feeling the Pull

Maybe it's the weather.  Waking up with my nose cold, my blankets up around my neck.  Smelling the crisp fall air when I take the kids to school.  I know the last couple days I have detected the faint scent of wood fire leftover from the night before.  And I've been listening to this music, this wonder-full music that just grabs my heart and squeezes a little too tightly... sinks into my soul and gives words and melody to this ache, this longing.  I don't know... I feel restless.  And I've been hearing God's whisper in the morning, thoughts that are clearly His and not mine, but knowing they can be if I grab hold of what He's saying and just do something...

I remember when I was young-- 17 or 18-- just finished with high school and starting college.  The world was so big.  And just full of things I hadn't done or experienced yet.  I had this friend, Shannon.  Neither of us were "girly girls."  I don't know if that means anything to anyone.  It wasn't that we weren't feminine...  We both wanted to grow up and get married and be mamas and sing lullabies and bake bread.  But we didn't care what our hair looked like and we didn't paint our nails and we didn't go tanning or wear bracelets.  We both appreciated a good adventure.  And we both loved God.  We didn't know each other well and we never really talked a lot, in fact, I'm not even sure how we met in the first place.  But every year when the air would get this autumny smell, we'd get in touch.  We experienced the same restlessness.  The same "pull."  Now it wasn't wise.  We were very naive.  Unexperienced.  But we both enjoyed nature.  And we really enjoyed being close to God's creation, feeling His breath on us.

So we would go rock climbing together.  Without any gear.  Yeah it was stupid.  But I remember the feeling of adventure as we set out to see how high we could climb, our knees banged up, scratches and scrapes on our arms.  I remember one time she got stuck in this crevice, and I had to climb up under her and guide her feet.  We were insane.  But it was so much fun.  And I was so trusting.  And I knew God was there.

After awhile, I met the man who would be my husband, and our crazy adventures came to an end.  And it's funny.  I spoke with her as an adult one time, and she was a stranger.  There were troubles in our lives and we had different thoughts about God.  But the thing was, that stuff never mattered back then.  We were both just feeling the pull and going with it, living life and trusting God and each other.

I've had some adventures since then.  I think marriage has definitely been one of them.  It's been scary and thrilling and exhilarating.  Having babies that grow into children has been another one for sure.  And   the bad things, the fearful things that happen to us as adults to erase that trust and sense of awe and wonder we had when we were younger... resisting that and learning to hear that whisper again has been by far the best and most frightening adventure.

So I'm feeling it again.  The pull.  And it feels good.  Don't worry, I won't be doing any rock climbing anytime soon.  But I feel ready for an adventure.

Crack.

Well.  Today was day 2 of no yelling in my house.  The kids got time-outs when they yelled, which fine, I can't say that was anything monumental or anything.  But the really huge spectacular thing was that I didn't yell.  Actually (just to be clear) I yelled once yesterday, briefly out of fright when Clayton almost shot glasses cleaner into his eyes, but I don't think it's fair to count that against me.  I don't know why exactly, but yelling or really any intense expression of emotion, is like crack to me.  I can totally understand when child psychologists say that strongwilled kids act out because they get an emotional "high" from their parents' reactions...  I don't think I can do anything without intensity, so this has been really difficult for me.  I've been cleaning a lot more and I ate two pieces of cake today.  But I guess it would be better to be a really fat, but really nice mom with a neat and tidy house than it would to be a skinny, loud one with a messy house... I think so anyway.  Well, hopefully it's just withdrawal and I can stop eating before the next season of The Biggest Loser.  Anyhow, I didn't figure it was acceptable to be learning about what the wise thing to do is and saying that I can do anything because Jesus is my strength, and NOT deal seriously with my temper and reactive tendencies.  I think maybe I should take up a new hobby...something exhilarating... bungee jumping perhaps?  Do they have conflict fighting for girls?

I'm Not Ready.

I'm reading this book.  It's called A Million Miles in a Thousand Days by Donald Miller.  I don't want it to end.  I feel like this guy knows me.  Like he could be my best friend.  I rarely, if ever, feel understood.  But this guy, he "gets" me.  It just seems unfair that the book should end.

Here is an excerpt:

I've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgement.  We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage.  And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants.

I'll tell you something.  I am not ready to read this book.  I'm just not.  I'm not brave and I'm not interesting enough or strong enough to really nail the climax (you know, the part where the hero overcomes) in my story.  I'm not.  But I'll tell you something else.  I am desperately weary of being a weak, tired victim in a story written by circumstances.  That's the kind of movie you walk out on, the kind of book you put down because you just can't quite find the plot.  I am stubborn and willful, always have been.  Two characteristics that are not at all endearing when used to resist change or Wisdom.  But they can sure come in handy when telling Fear and Rejection to piss off.  So whether I'm ready or not, my mind is made up.  I'm writing a better story for me and for my family.  I'm following the road God has mapped out for me (Psalm 1:6).

No Offense

Living Without Offense & Rick Warren is Supporting our Twitter Conference Tomorrow

I thought this was a great post about offense.  It's sort of a follow up of sorts to what I wrote yesterday about obedience.  If we're living with offense, we're not listening and obeying.  I need to get into the habit of stopping and checking every thought before I run with it in the wrong direction.  I should be (because I am a Christ-follower) incredibly difficult to offend, and it should be habit for me to think the best of my brothers and sisters.  I want to let the Holy Spirit do that work in me, do you?  Have a great day, free of offense and rich in thoughts that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy!  (Philippians 4:8)

Obedience... I Can, but Will I?

So I've been thinking alot about obedience lately...  It seems to be a recurrent theme with me as of late.  I can't say I am really excelling or overcoming much, but I can feel God's persistence with me like I'm about to be pushed off of something/into something... or maybe it will end up being a jump... not completely sure at the moment.


I read an article in The Sabbath Sentinel this morning entitled "I Can, but Will I?" by Bryant Buck.  I couldn't find a link online, so here is a relatively small excerpt:

     Both the Old and the New Testaments are full of miracles, so why shouldn't we as believers in Christ experience our share of miracles too?  However, in the context of Philippians 4, I don't believe that miracles were the apostle Paul's primary focus.

     In Philippians 4:4 Paul exhorts us to rejoice; in verse 6 he encourages us to pray and give thanks.  Then, in verse 8 he instructs us to focus our thinking on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and of good report.  Moreover, just before Paul declares that he can do all things through Christ, he testifies: "I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need" (Philippians 4:12).  Paul's focus in this chapter is clearly on both how we behave and how we think.  If our behavior truly becomes Christlike, then we will be a miracle that others can see.

     Let's put this another way: If I can do all things through Messiah, do I rejoice?  More than that, do I rejoice always?  If I can do all things through Messiah, do I pray?  More than that, do I pray with thanksgiving?  Do I give thanks at all, or do I only give thanks occasionally?  If I can do all things through Messiah, what do I think about---things that are true, honest, and just?  Things that are pure, lovely, and of good report?  Or, do I think about things that are false, dishonest, and unjust?  Do I think about things that are impure, ugly, and of bad report?

I wish you could read the whole thing... it really is a very good article and goes along with what I've been thinking about.  I sucked big time this week.  I even threw a little temper tantrum over something stupid and shut down my blog.  I made the decision before God to put walls up again out of rebellion.  Well, little did I realize that with my decision came a decision from God as well.  He decided that if I was going to put walls up to keep people out, that He would stay out too.  It was only a few days, but I swear that there was no talking to God during that time for me last week.  He wasn't listening.  He wasn't answering.  It was just me and the consequences of my disobedience.  Isolation.  Call it a "divine time-out."  It was Crap, let me tell ya...  Not fun at all.  Definitely not something I want to do again anytime soon.

Sometimes I forget just how big God is.  Sometimes I lose sight of just how important it is to listen and obey because all the things around me: circumstances, worries, fears, perceptions, are just in my face all the time; they're so loud and commanding... And rather than just making the decision to take each of those thoughts captive and turning my focus around from Me to Him... I am choosing to follow my own line of thoughts and dwell on things that are not what I know to be "true, honest, just..."

I'm really glad it didn't take long to feel the consequence of isolation.  I would love to someday be able to catch it before the foolishness starts in the first place.  I guess I already CAN.  I just need to decide, WILL I?

A Quiet Soul

Psalm 131-amplified
²Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me [ceased from fretting].

Seems almost against my personality to be able to apply this passage.

My prayer?
HELP! (yeah, I use that one a lot)

Honest and Straightforward

This was yesterday morning's SOAP.  I'm really enjoying this method, by the way.  Very nice to not have to wonder where I am going to read today or trying to digest and respond to the entire several chapters.  It's neat to see how God will just bring out a phrase or verse from a large passage.

Scripture:  Luke 20:21-22
     So they asked him, "Teacher, we know that you're honest and straightforward when you teach, that you don't pander to anyone but teach the way of God accurately..."

Observation:  Now obviously these spies were trying to trap Jesus into teaching something that would get him in trouble.  And I don't know if they were simply flattering him here or what, but I have to believe Jesus had the reputation of being honest and straightforward.  Surely the idea was not new to him.  And his response is exactly that.

Application:  I think it's interesting that this would have been the perfect opportunity for Jesus to "stick it to the man" and tell people not to pay their taxes... I mean, no maybe God's Word didn't exactly say that, but perhaps we could infer something, or stretch something... Jesus was honest and straightforward.  He doesn't add to God's Word.  He doesn't get all bent out of shape about something that's not made a big deal of in scripture.  I need to remember to do that... And I need to pay attention to the teachings I hear and watch for that.

Prayer:  God help me to not put words in your mouth.  Help me to stick to the basics, the things that matter to you.  And help me be discerning, to recognize the difference between your teachings and the teachings of men.

Hearing from God.

So last night at Hub Group we read probably the most boring passage... Well I guess not as bad as the dreaded "beget" monologues... but close.  We read about Abram and his people traveling and camping and building altars.  Genesis 12:1-8

Things don't always jump out at me... particularly when it is something like a typical account of history... My brain just kind of wanders and before I know it,  the story is over, and I've planned dinner for the next 5 nights.

But afterward, we were asked which character we identify with... Far as I can figure there were just Abram, who heard from God, Sarai, his wife, who obviously went with him, his nephew Lot, plus a bunch of people and animals who kind of followed along behind--- we don't really know much about them.

At first I felt kinda crappy for identifying with the follower-people.  I mean, that hasn't always worked out beautifully in my life.  However, after some really interesting conversation with my husband after Hub Group last night, I think it's actually a good thing under one condition.

I think the key is hearing from God.  I have followed blindly before, either ignoring or not hearing from God.  I have at times neglected my own responsibility to hear from God and do what He says.  I'm getting to the point where I actually think it can be pretty neat to be an effective follower.  I say that because look at us!  A nation full of individuals, each striving for their own identity, each asserting their own power, each looking out for "numero uno."  And what has that done for us?  We are scattered, disconnected, isolated, and competitive.  Look at our churches... same thing!  A bunch of individuals, fighting for their own beliefs, their own ideas, competition, strife...  Not cool.

When we follow effectively, we affirm (by our own hearing) what our leaders are hearing from God.  We encourage and build up, not divide.  And interestingly enough, we also lead others to be good followers, to be respectful, to work as a team, to cooperate... These are important traits that we don't posses as a nation (or a church) of leaders.

So how do you hear?

My best effort has come from spending some time every day, not just reading the Bible and praying, but listening to what God is saying to me through His Word and then responding with action.  Sometimes I'm failing.  Like responding with my brain and then not getting my body or my mouth to follow through-- like with praying out loud in front of people-- huge fear, sweaty palms, the whole nine yards!  But some of the things I've heard God saying to me are changing my life permanently because I'm letting Him overcome my natural inclinations and am acting on what He is saying to me.   There is a point where the sometimes monotonous ritual of sitting down and reading and listening... starts to sink in and actually mean something.  That's grace.  And it gives us the courage to confidently follow because we know His voice.