Pregnant.

No, I'm not pregnant.  That would take a miracle.  And I'm not sure either my husband or I would view it as such.  But I have had pregnancy on the brain to some extent lately with 2 births in our church coming up soon.  And then we've been watching the TV series Lost, the 1st season, and last night I dreamed I was the pregnant girl (I think her name is Claire--I'm really bad with names), and I had to decide whether or not to give up the baby.

So I've been thinking about pregnancy a bit.  I can remember (I've given birth to 4 babies) my fear of giving birth, not to mention all the responsibility that comes afterward, being so strong that I actually felt like I would prefer to just stay pregnant forever.  Not that I liked resembling a beached whale who could now eat my weight in crunchy tacos and turkey jerky.  But I guess I figured it was familiar, and I knew how to do it, so it was almost comfortable compared to the unknown that lay ahead of me.  Now, anybody who has ever been pregnant knows you can't feel like that for long!  Eventually you become so miserably and completely... pregnant... that you would do just about anything to get the baby out.  And then you worry about your unpreparedness for raising this little person later when you no longer have the choice... because I don't care how many classes you take or books you read, you are NEVER ready or equipped to help mold this little chubby, needy clean slate of a baby into a real thinking, growing person.

So I don't know... I think it's like that in a lot of areas of life, especially as Christians.  We get to this place that even though maybe it's not ideal, or even really comfortable... we just kind of settle in and feel like, OK I can just keep doing this, maybe forever... I mean, Yeah maybe I'm a little cumbersome and perhaps even slightly miserable... but hey-- I've been doing it this long... maybe it's easier than what comes next.

Giving birth is painful.  Those "Childbirth without Fear" freaks who talk about birth orgasms and say that you can have a pain-free labor... they are cracked.  Seriously.  BUT the best advice I have ever received or given regarding birth is that when you make the decision to work WITH the pain, and choose to view the surges (contractions) as a positive force, something which, while painful, is accomplishing, moving... If you can choose to see it that way... then you are no longer a victim of some terrible curse on women... You are a participant, a co-laborer with God at bringing about the miracle of life.

I think it's that way when we follow Jesus.  And I don't think giving birth is a one time thing in our Christian lives.  And sometimes I think the fact that we've already given birth and we know that pain... I think we can hold ourselves back in subsequent pregnancies out of fear.  Really I wonder how many of us are just walking around in a pretty much constant state of pregnancy as Christians.  Filled with all kinds of God-gifts that we're unable to use or develop because we'd rather just stay miserable than face the unknown and have to figure out how to do all this all over again.

God is spoken of as a midwife in the Bible.  He was midwife at our physical births.  And I believe He is both the impregnator and the midwife in all kinds of births after that.   I don't think God wants to force birth on us.  The act of impregnating us was one of love, not violence.  He is our lover, our husband.  And birth, while painful, is something to celebrate together... the tangible outcome of our love for each other.